Do what feels right to you

I am navigating this new stage of life for me.  Somewhere between perimenopause and hanging out to the normalcy of being a woman.  Translation, I am still experiencing my period regularly.  It varies a little and I am experiencing some of the side effects of the joyful change.  Night sweats, gluteal tendinopathy, some stubborn cortisol build up.  (Sexy things to consider, I know.  It is only where I am at in my life currently).  Trying to figure out the best way to maneuver this is challenging.  Some friends have relied on birth control, hormone replacement therapy, other medications, supplements, creams.  There is no defined course of action as not only is it not researched that much, people do not talk about it.  It is an awkward topic, yet it affects all women at some point.  

Knowing that, I was surprised when I met a nurse practitioner the other day.  She was confident and loved what she does.  Truly, I love that for her.  I love that she is passionate about helping people on the journey of womanhood and menopause.  She wanted to be helpful to me, but was dismissive when I told her I have been using a yam cream to counter the night sweats.  It is a topical cream that has been a game changer for me.  Definitely decreased the night sweats that had been waking me up nightly.  She sort of scoffed when I mentioned what I had been doing.  Immediately she suggested using a low dose birth control.  Even suggested a brand and that I could take it for a few years and then switch to a hormone replacement therapy.  

My takeaway was that it was unsolicited advice.  And that she didn't value treatments that did not include hormones or pills.  Not everyone responds to birth control.  It doesn't decrease some of the symptoms and makes life more difficult.  I realized that I should do what speaks to me.  In most things, I should do what makes sense to me.  I have never followed the "right way" to be successful.  I will not start now.

There is trial and error with this process.  I am reading more about it and trying to come to terms with where I am at.  I think, for some women, it feels like you are being put out to pasture since you are no longer valued.  Others, it is an awakening.  A time to focus on your needs and say no to what doesn't speak to you any longer.  I keep seeing stories on Threads about break up, divorce, loneliness (supposed/projected).  But is it lonely to be alone?  

I have friends with kids.  I have friends, like me, who chose not to have kids.  My friends with kids love their kids.  Some have a solid balance of being a good parent raising human beings while retaining their own identity.  In most of those cases, they have good co-parents or new partners who also understand the importance of raising human beings, providing boundaries and love.  One of my yoga clients attended a recent session.  Her husband had taken the kids on a day trip and she was like--I have no idea what to do today.  It is liberating to not have concrete plans.  Maybe I will go to the farmer's market?  Or go home and read on my couch.  She seemed a little unprepared to do whatever she wanted.

I, however, do not have that issue.  I love knowing that if I want to drive to Santa Fe to visit Tom, I can.  If I want to check out a new restaurant by myself, I can, at any time.  I am not thinking of someone else's wants, needs or schedule.  I am not lonely.  I think there are other women who are discovering that freedom.  Choosing what they want instead of what the other people in their lives need.  Instead of putting themselves last, they are able to do what they want.  

Only something I am pondering on a Sunday afternoon.  Trying to stay cooler.  It has been hot the last month.  My morning walks have been consistent and mandatory in the a.m.  Otherwise the heat is a deterrent and distraction.

Here is to a chill afternoon, reflection and peppermint hot tea~

Recovering

Recovery days are rough.  

I will say it again.  Recovery days are rough.  I work multiple jobs and for myself.  Keeps it fresh and interesting.  Sometimes, I have an opportunity to do an overnight event which is what occurred this past weekend.  I was hesitant at first.  I did not think I would be able to make it work.  I teach yoga every Saturday and have since 2020.  The class occurs at City Park and is consistently attended.  I love it.  It is something I look forward to each week.

I signed up for the long catering knowing it would be an 11:30 am in time and a return by 4 am.  They convinced me that a pre-set might be a better option.  I could stay overnight Friday and Saturday night.  I knew some of the other people going up for the weekend.  I was excited and agreed to the circumstances.  Foolishly.

It is never a correct itinerary or timeline.  I thought I could rally and escape unscathed.  Silly.  I woke up this morning and felt exhausted.  I had no desire to get out of bed.  I canceled my yoga class.  I had to reschedule.  There was no way that that class was going to happen.

There is something to be said about working 13-17 hours.  Constantly on and never relaxing.  I did manage to hydrate somewhat.  Yet, it takes its toll.  We returned to the accommodations at 4:45 am. I showered {absolutely needed it} and met up with folks afterwards.  Drank some wine.  There is a window of decompression time.  It is necessary.  Went to bed around 7:30 am?  Woke up at 11, startled.  Threw my stuff into the bag and headed out to the shuttle.  At this point, I am delirious.  Lack of sleep, proper fuel, hydration.  I couldn't tell you if I retrieved all of my belongings.  

Today was rough.  I think tomorrow will be better, but it is taxing on the body to do these events.  I didn't fuel properly or sleep enough.  I did manage a walk today and a few tasks.  Yet, I know that in the future, I will reconsider these choices.  My time is more important to me than making money.  I cannot get those 72 hours back.  Or the amount of crap my body incurred.  Taking care of myself is paramount to making money.  Money will always be there.  Time cannot return.

Make better choices.  Follow better people.  Spread kindness.

I am invested in this mysterious death and how horrible it is.  Leaving a friend to die alone is not what I envision for anyone.  There is speculation and rumors.  However, it does not change the fact that he died. This young man was a son to parents.  He had dreams, habits, goals.  His life was discarded for no other reason that he was inconvenient.  His parents deserve answers and the truth.  

When my boyfriend died, I was devastated.  I fell into this empty hole of crap trying to understand why he died.  Why (if there was a god) that this would happen.  Brian's death was accidental.  I knew it immediately.  Anger destroys people.  

This young man with the unknown death creates anger.  Anger at his supposed friends for leaving him at the island if that is the case.  Or anger for their rage in his demise.  I am disgusted at the notion that they beat him to death and then pissed on his body.  I do not understand that rage or entitlement.  We are all human beings.  I believe in the principles of pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.  I want to believe that this man was not killed because he was different.  

They are still determining what happened.  I vy on the side of there are many things that do not add up.  The truth needs to be revealed, and it will.

Still, I won't dismiss that he drowned.  There is more to know.  More details to learn.  Either way, he was alone.  They did not call his loved ones to let them know something had happened.  That is the chilling disrespectful part.  Not knowing where your loved is or how to contact them.  

Again, when Brian died, I would have done anything to ensure that he was safe.  I was trying to barter with the higher being about protection.  

Losing someone is devastating.  There is no path forward when you lose your child, your partner, your parent.  It is a constant gut punch.  It doesn't leave.  It just transitions.  I will carry my loss for the remainder of my life.  

I know I need to sleep and let some of this go.  Please spread kindness.  Be curious, not comfortable.  Many thanks

Random recent thoughts

Is it only Tuesday?  Doesn't it feel like Thursday?  I don't know.  Perhaps it is the weather.  I feel lazy, uninspired, unmotivated.  I do not know where to start.  There is so much to be uninspired by.  The current state of the world.  And even there what are the top three things that are making you crazy?  I think there are possibly 30 things that are making me crazy.  I am finding it difficult to narrow it down.  My anger shifts day to day as I learn of new things.

For instance, the gutting of the voting rights truly pissed me off.  It incenses me that the supreme court lied again and did whatever they wanted.  In 2022 when they gutted Roe v Wade, I spit out my water and almost choked on it.  I couldn't believe that they would want to roll back women's rights.  And it didn't end there.  Of course, it didn't.  They continue to move the goal posts.  Same with the voter's rights.  They kicked over that domino and will continue to take away all rights of everyone that they feel do not deserve to be represented.

So there is that.  Then I started to see more information on the data centers that are popping up all over the states.  How are they even being approved?  The effect on the environment is devastating.  But politicians do not care.  They do not care if you have limited access to water.  If you lose your home to the data center.  It is appalling.  And they are rushing to put them all over.  Why?  What will they do for us?  Kill the environment, take water, eliminate jobs and screw people over.  What are we even doing?

The detention centers and forced labor of the inhibits also dire and ridiculous.  I read that in order to use the phone a person is required to work five days to make one phone call.  How is that even possible?  Not to mention the increase in racist attacks.  Just the blatant hatred that is exposed.  I suppose I have lived in a bubble that I created.  I was unaware or unwilling (if I am honest) to see how much people in my generation were hiding their racism.  I thought we had changed.  I grew up in the 80's and 90's.  My school was mostly white but there was a large vietnamese population, some mexican and black kids in my class.  Yes, they were the minority, but it didn't feel that forced hatred of someone that was different than me.  When I went to college, of course, I was exposed to more people that did not look like me.  Choosing to work in the service industry has always reflected an assortment of people, cultures and outlooks on life.  I am grateful for the melting pot.  I do not understand how people are still so hateful of other races.  I truly do not understand it, and it makes me furious that some people are spewing their hatred at other races to make themselves feel better?  We are all human beings first and foremost.  Instead of hating other races, we should be looking upward at the elite class that continues to pick our pockets and steal from us.  I do not want to work until I die.  I do not know anyone else that wants that either.  However, the pathway we are currently on, we are going to force 95% of the population to do that.  Living in a world where we are sicker, have less pathways out of poverty and less living the dream we were sold.  

Still I am hopeful as people wake up (finally).  The corruption is over the top!  Everyday some new story about our taxes being taken to fund a small group of people.  No oversight, accountability or proposed end in sight.  It is WILD!

It is my intention to speak to my tribe about the importance of voting and recognizing that we are human beings and in this together.  I want to live in a world where we can all thrive and enjoy the resources--clean water, food, travel, nature.  Am I naive to want this?

Recent thoughts

Happy Hump Day!  This year has flown by in some respects and in others it is stagnant.  We are inching closer to the midterms which is optimism overload (thankfully).  The nonstop daily barrage of bullshit is wearing me down.  It is exhausting and frustrating to see all of the headlines that are front and center and then be updated on things that are happening behind closed doors.  For instance, the recent Supreme Court ruling gutting the voting rights.  I had not been aware that that was even happening.  What do they say--focus on one thing so you are not overwhelmed.  I think that is why I was not paying attention to current cases in front of the court.

Check your voter registration.  If you are not registered, register to vote.  It is imperative to use your right to vote.  I am devastated by the court's decision to gut the voter rights.  I know that they will not stop by limiting the representation of people of color.  They want to return the voting rights where only white men are voting.  They do not value anyone but that component of society.  However, we are a multi-cultural society.  

We all deserve representation.  We are taxed and should have representation to reflect our individual rights.  Personally, as a woman, I should not have the government dictating what I can or cannot do with my body.  I shouldn't be told I have to have kids.  And there should be research into what menopause is.  There is so much unknown about that process.  Right now, almost every woman in my life, is struggling with changes in her body.  And it is all different.  I prefer to not take pills or medication to regulate myself.  I do take supplements--Magnesium, Vitamin C, Fish oil, black cohosh and Vitamin D.  I am still learning and trying to navigate this upcoming phase of my life.  The gluteal tendinopathy is a real thing.  It is forcing me to stretch out my hips, daily, or risk the dull achy pain that will not go away. 

Randomly over the course of two weeks, I encountered two people over 30 years old, who have never voted.  I was shocked!  The first one I thought I was being punked.  Truly.  I couldn't believe that this man would not vote.  He said it wouldn't matter as it didn't affect his lifestyle.  He was happy attending raves.  I understand that I do.  But things are progressing and it will affect everyone.  It already is.  The cost of fuel, groceries, travel, health insurance, car insurance, home insurance, rent.  When does it stop?  What is the end game?  

I alter between survival and elevating my life.  It is an odd balance.  I see the survival mode in some of my decisions and beliefs.  I am planning a yoga retreat, and I hesitate to book the accommodations.  I know that I can put it together and host another successful retreat.  I believe that.  Yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, I want to stay in the comfort of survival.  I don't want to see myself as capable.  It is the unknown and risky.  Everything is unknown and risky right now.  I know there are resources.  I believe in abundance.  I want to break up with the news but I cannot look away.  

What is the solution?  

Saturdays are the best

Some days, I know I could be more productive.  That I should be more productive.  I should do my administrative work instead of putting it off until the absolute last minute.  I start off with the best intentions and then derail it.  For instance, this morning, I taught yoga, took a walk and researched potential recipes for my upcoming happy hour.  Yoga was fantastic. I returned home and considered the remainder of my day.  Walking more seemed imperative.  I managed that after lunch and felt good about that decision.

I prepped a grocery list and headed to Postino.  A glass of wine before shopping on a Saturday at Trader Joe's is necessary.  I tend to want to dart in and out of the store.  I avoid using shopping carts and instead rely on the basket to do my shopping.  I feel that I am able to navigate the store easier without the bulkiness of the cart.  I really despise shopping carts.  I will make multiple trips to the market to avoid using a cart.  I hate wasting food.  I prefer shopping more times to avoid that factor.

I had a book to read and settled in at Postino.  Midway through my visit, a lady sat down next to me.  She seemed a little gruff and so I continued to read my book and glance around the surroundings.  I enjoy reading the vibes and watching people interact.

One of the server assistants broke glassware, loudly, twice.  Noticeably loud.  Stopped conversation.  I paid my tab and the lady asked me what I was reading and if I liked it.  We started chatting books--Wally Lamb.  I love Wally Lamb.  I have read multiple books by him.  He is a master of character development in my opinion.  Then moved into other territory.  Occupation, travel, family...I learned more about her situation than anticipated.  A reminder that as difficult as my family situation can be, I am mostly normal compared to other people.  From that encounter, I feel like people like to confide in me.  I do not know my exact purpose in life but after the last few days, I think part of my purpose is to listen and allow people to chat.  To discard the loneliness.  The gruffness dissolved and she seemed approachable unlike she had when she sat down.  

A guy I know from former days strolled through before heading to his current bar gig.  He gave me a hug and reminded me of when he works at this particular bar.  I walked to Trader Joe's and regretted it immediately.  Too many people with carts, lol.  I picked up a few items knowing that I would return at another time.  I do not have the patience to withstand the amount of people wandering around.  I really despise carts and how much room they take up.  

Returning home and intending to return to the task list.  I will do better.  I must do better.  I reflect on the day and am hopeful for more community and interaction.  The divineness of the chaos of today is not all encompassing.  There is hope and time.  Next time you are in a situation you are unfamiliar with, embrace it.  See where the conversation leads.  Allow it to move organically.

Finding balance

Every day is more chaos.  Challenging.  I recognize that it designed this way to inhibit resistance.  Distraction after distraction after distraction.  For instance, the recent video reminding us of the Epstein files.  Is it a distraction from the war?  

I thought there was a ceasefire, but it seemed to have been violated within hours of it being stated.  I do not understand how the continual bombing of Lebanon is supported.  Or Gaza for that matter.  Why are civilians being targeted?  Universities, hospitals, structures?  It is insanity.

It takes a lot out of me in spite of the knowledge.  Trying to sift through the b.s. and move forward.  Some days are easier than others.  I have been relishing the lego videos that are surfacing on social media.  They make me chuckle and sigh.  Specifically, the one regarding our secretary.  They do not hold back.  Call out some of my favorite words.  CS--IYKYK.... Seriously, I do love that word.  And it sums up his behavior handily.  Many of my friends are unaware of the videos which makes me think I am in a silo.  I see so much and am familiar with many moving parts.  If only I could walk away and place my head in the sand.  I cannot.  I will not.

Striking that balance is imperative.

Planning yoga is helping.  I feel more productive and capable.  I ran into a friend that is going through a divorce.  It has been a while in the making but it is happening.  Typically, this friend does not confide about his personal life.  In a way, I feel that he feels uplifted being able to discuss it.  He can sort through his relationship and what he would like to move forward.  Listening to him made me reflect on my relationship with Tom.  I could be more vested in his interests.  I, tend to get caught up in the politics, my stressors and work.  I cannot help myself (or so I convince myself).  However, listening to my friend was a gentle reminder that I should listen to Tom's needs.  I should show Tom that I love him not just say it.  Actions matter.

I utilized the library through Kanopy (streaming service) and placed a bunch of books on hold.  Some fiction.  Others non-fiction.  I picked up a mix and started a fiction one that was recommended.  Immediately, I knew it was not speaking to me.  I read a review and it was confirmed that it might not be approachable.  But the content of the location did happen in real life.  Girls were placed in correctional institutions and the conditions were terrible.  I read on to see that.  Unstable conditions, abuse, lack of cleanliness, poor nutrition, medicating people.  I do not agree with any of this to house people.  Girls were placed within these facilities with no structure, opportunity to rehabilitate or leave.  They were punished for being undesirable or unwanted.  

I do not love the book after 150 pages.  I will return it to the library with some knowledge of how women were treated and continue to be.  There is a better reflection of this specific situation with The Woman they could not Silence.  That book is incredible.  I should remember to place a book on hold for the author's other book--Radium Girls.  Rambling slightly.  It has been a day.  I need to decompress so I can shut off my mind.  Find balance and navigate the chaos.

Salud to Thursday~

Lentil soup

In an attempt to cook more at home, I have made lentil soup twice in the last week.  The first time I followed the recipe that I found.  It is based on a Greek grandmother's recipe (or so they say).  I found it on social media.  I am all for it and believe it is based on a grandmother's recipe.  The result was good, but I wanted a few tweaks.  More garlic, add some Greek oregano and maybe more onion.  I tested out my theory yesterday and I am pleased with the new results.  Still, I think I could improve it.  It is savory, wholesome and delicious.  And I enjoy taking the time to make it.

Isn't that what it is all about?  Enjoying what you are doing and not make it feel like a chore or job.  I believe I would have been more invested in preparing food had I felt more confident in my skills at an earlier age.  Instead, I relied on the restaurants that I worked in to feed more.  Or make it more convenient, lol.  I enjoy grocery shopping but tend to shop frequently and not doing the weekly trip.  I break it up into smaller runs.  This makes more sense to me.  Eliminates food waste which I despise.

For example, I bought eggs.  You know, the more expensive ones.  Organic, farm raised good life of the chicken.  My refrigerator opted to freeze 7 of the 18.  I was devastated.  I was not that surprised.  My refrigerator tends to do that. I have tried to manually alter the temperature to no avail.  Finally, I grabbed a screwdriver to adjust the settings.  Eureka!  It happened.  I could avoid freezing the interior of my fridge.

Super irritated.  Scrambling to avoid more waste, I boiled them and hoped for the best.  I had bought avocados on sale (I am a sucker for avocados).  I do not want to waste those, so I created an egg salad with the avocados, eggs, dill and mayonnaise I had curated a few weeks ago.  It is time to use food in house and minimize waste.  I am too reliant on what is convenient, unfortunately.

Six of the eggs remain in the carton.   4 of them are broken.  Two remain, intact.  But they do not want to budge out of the container.  It is frustrating.  I want to avoid the waste.  

My mind wanders.  Overwhelmed.  Overstimulated.  Distracted.  I say that knowing that I can still perform required tasks.  I might be exhausted but if I show up for a job, I do it.  Physically, I show up.  I perform and make the best of the situation.  Small reflection.

Focus on the good and what you can control.  Silence the distractions that do not do anything to elevate you as a person.  Make lentil soup.