Gratitude and reminders

Every day I am reminded the importance of connection and community.  I did not have a cell phone until 2006.  I was very resistant to attain one.  All of my friends had them, but I was determined to let people call my land line and leave a message if they needed to contact me.   I suppose that was somewhat arrogant, but I didn't care.  I did not want to be available to people at all times.  

Then Brian died.  It was terrible and I was trying to figure out how to navigate it.  What made sense to me probably wouldn't speak to most people.  I refused to go to grief counseling.  Instead, I chose to take a couple road trips.  At that point, I knew I would want a cell phone to ensure that I could contact my people and feel comfortable.  So I bought some random flip phone (yes, I am that old).  I signed up with T-Mobile since Tiffany and Jimmy both used that service.  

Eventually I added data and felt more comfortable using the phone.  I upgraded to an android but have never felt it necessary to consider an I-phone or the latest model of an android.  I have opted to find a phone that isn't too expensive and that is reliable.  I use it for my business and keeping in contact with friends.  It tracks my steps, takes photos, allows for texts.  I use it often.  Too much if I am being honest.  It is not at all where I thought I would end up.  

Technology has enabled some good things.  The opportunity to book cars to get to and from.  Booking airline tickets, looking at reviews, enhancing photos...And opened us up to a ton of vile things.  Surveillance, tracking, paying more for receiving less.  Cutting out the human connection.  As much as some people want to promote AI, I would prefer speaking to a human being.  Hearing the emotions in their voice and being able to discern what the issue is.  There are issues with being technologically reliant.  It becomes more apparent when people become angry, depressed, afraid, ashamed, embarrassed.  A machine cannot correct that.  You need human connection.  

I was reminded today about compassion.  We need connection and interaction.  Someone we trust and that we know is in our corner.  AI cannot achieve that.  

I am thankful for my community and how it is expanding and evolving.  That is all I am going to reflect on.  And I will listen to my radio more and eliminate using my phone.  I must break up with the surveillance tracking and monopolization of my time.  There is a reason for human interaction.

Celebrate, enjoy and taste life~

Habits

When July started, I signed up for this tai chi walking challenge.  Figuring, why not?  What do I have to lose to try out this guided walking challenge?  Multiple ads had found their way to my social media.  I was inundated on instagram, facebook and youtube.  In route to a much-needed pedicure, I signed up.  Of course, doing this while driving is not the smartest or safest thing to do.  I can be impulsive and midway through the process I was doubting myself.  Yet, committed to the process with the promise of a discount.  The discount is also the hook that reels me in.

I have been struggling with the change, stress, cortisol build up and overall, not feeling great in my body.  I attempted an ayruvedic approach (which I stand by).  The main issue with this approach is the elimination of caffeine, alcohol, dairy, sugar, night shade vegetables.  Basically, anything that inflames your body.  For me, specifically, I identify as a Pitta.  I was given a recommended diet of cooked vegetables and spices.  Had I fully tried this approach, I believe, I would have been successful.  I see the benefits of eating warm food and slowing down while eating.  Creating specific times to eat and focus on the digestion.  It did not align with my life.  I work for a catering company and cannot tell them I need to sit down to focus on my digestion during service.  Ironically, I was able to cut out caffeine with ease.  I did not drink coffee for eight months of 2025.  I flirted with eliminating wine and tequila from my daily livelihood.  It didn't really stick.

I tried cutting out processed foods.  But I love chips and salsa.  And I want joy in my life.  I shifted my focus to manageable things that would make me feel better.  In that regard, the tai chi walking is a better fit.  Could I do more?  Yes.  I could minimize the said dairy, processed foods, wine.  I am working on the stress component.  Some days are better than others.  The most recent news of the disappearance of Nolan Wells is making that difficult.  There still are so many unanswered questions to what happened to that kid.  And so many inconsistencies that lead me to think that there is a cover up.  They do not want to be transparent about what happened on July 4th to that young man.  I feel terrible for his parents.  The lack of knowing what happened in his final hours would be heart breaking.  I remember when I was called and told that something had happened to Brian.  That there had been an accident and Brian was hurt.  The guy who called me had no other information and it was so frustrating to not be able to contact Brian or anyone who knew what happened outside of that there had been an accident.  I remember calling hospitals to see if he had been admitted.  Calling the police to see if they had him or knew what had happened.  It is horrifying to not be able to contact someone you love.

I cannot stop thinking about how his mother is feeling losing her child.  I feel that there is independent media following the story and a bunch of people who are making it visible.  They will not be able to cover up what happened.  The truth will come out.  And, regardless of if no foul play was a factor, his friends still left him on the island.  That is negligent to me.   Or that they do not appear that concerned that he was missing.  Why wouldn't they reach out to his family and say, we have his phone and car keys?  There is no reason to have his belongings and not let his family know.  I reiterate, when I was notified that my boyfriend had an accident, all I wanted to know was that he was okay.  That he would be coming home.  I remember trying to barter with God that I would be better if he would let Brian come home.  Completely irrational.  But I was grasping at anything to make sure he was okay.

So, back to the tai chi walking.  They suggest a number of steps to walk daily and offer multiple guided workouts to supplement some of the steps.  Lymphatic draining, walking indoors, boxing, light strength training.  I have been committed to the program with one exception.  My weekend in Aspen derailed since I did not have cell service at the Ranch.  I was unable to track my steps and so it looked like I was a couch potato for a few days, lol.  

The best outcome is that I am walking daily four to six miles.  I feel lighter in general.  No longer bogged down physically or emotionally.  So there is that.  

I am not perfect and I barely have answers for myself.  Yet, I want to continue moving forward with trial and error with the change.  I am finding more confidence in saying no, that doesn't work for me.  I like that factor.

Do what feels right to you.  Until later.....

Do what feels right to you

I am navigating this new stage of life for me.  Somewhere between perimenopause and hanging out to the normalcy of being a woman.  Translation, I am still experiencing my period regularly.  It varies a little and I am experiencing some of the side effects of the joyful change.  Night sweats, gluteal tendinopathy, some stubborn cortisol build up.  (Sexy things to consider, I know.  It is only where I am at in my life currently).  Trying to figure out the best way to maneuver this is challenging.  Some friends have relied on birth control, hormone replacement therapy, other medications, supplements, creams.  There is no defined course of action as not only is it not researched that much, people do not talk about it.  It is an awkward topic, yet it affects all women at some point.  

Knowing that, I was surprised when I met a nurse practitioner the other day.  She was confident and loved what she does.  Truly, I love that for her.  I love that she is passionate about helping people on the journey of womanhood and menopause.  She wanted to be helpful to me, but was dismissive when I told her I have been using a yam cream to counter the night sweats.  It is a topical cream that has been a game changer for me.  Definitely decreased the night sweats that had been waking me up nightly.  She sort of scoffed when I mentioned what I had been doing.  Immediately she suggested using a low dose birth control.  Even suggested a brand and that I could take it for a few years and then switch to a hormone replacement therapy.  

My takeaway was that it was unsolicited advice.  And that she didn't value treatments that did not include hormones or pills.  Not everyone responds to birth control.  It doesn't decrease some of the symptoms and makes life more difficult.  I realized that I should do what speaks to me.  In most things, I should do what makes sense to me.  I have never followed the "right way" to be successful.  I will not start now.

There is trial and error with this process.  I am reading more about it and trying to come to terms with where I am at.  I think, for some women, it feels like you are being put out to pasture since you are no longer valued.  Others, it is an awakening.  A time to focus on your needs and say no to what doesn't speak to you any longer.  I keep seeing stories on Threads about break up, divorce, loneliness (supposed/projected).  But is it lonely to be alone?  

I have friends with kids.  I have friends, like me, who chose not to have kids.  My friends with kids love their kids.  Some have a solid balance of being a good parent raising human beings while retaining their own identity.  In most of those cases, they have good co-parents or new partners who also understand the importance of raising human beings, providing boundaries and love.  One of my yoga clients attended a recent session.  Her husband had taken the kids on a day trip and she was like--I have no idea what to do today.  It is liberating to not have concrete plans.  Maybe I will go to the farmer's market?  Or go home and read on my couch.  She seemed a little unprepared to do whatever she wanted.

I, however, do not have that issue.  I love knowing that if I want to drive to Santa Fe to visit Tom, I can.  If I want to check out a new restaurant by myself, I can, at any time.  I am not thinking of someone else's wants, needs or schedule.  I am not lonely.  I think there are other women who are discovering that freedom.  Choosing what they want instead of what the other people in their lives need.  Instead of putting themselves last, they are able to do what they want.  

Only something I am pondering on a Sunday afternoon.  Trying to stay cooler.  It has been hot the last month.  My morning walks have been consistent and mandatory in the a.m.  Otherwise the heat is a deterrent and distraction.

Here is to a chill afternoon, reflection and peppermint hot tea~

Recovering

Recovery days are rough.  

I will say it again.  Recovery days are rough.  I work multiple jobs and for myself.  Keeps it fresh and interesting.  Sometimes, I have an opportunity to do an overnight event which is what occurred this past weekend.  I was hesitant at first.  I did not think I would be able to make it work.  I teach yoga every Saturday and have since 2020.  The class occurs at City Park and is consistently attended.  I love it.  It is something I look forward to each week.

I signed up for the long catering knowing it would be an 11:30 am in time and a return by 4 am.  They convinced me that a pre-set might be a better option.  I could stay overnight Friday and Saturday night.  I knew some of the other people going up for the weekend.  I was excited and agreed to the circumstances.  Foolishly.

It is never a correct itinerary or timeline.  I thought I could rally and escape unscathed.  Silly.  I woke up this morning and felt exhausted.  I had no desire to get out of bed.  I canceled my yoga class.  I had to reschedule.  There was no way that that class was going to happen.

There is something to be said about working 13-17 hours.  Constantly on and never relaxing.  I did manage to hydrate somewhat.  Yet, it takes its toll.  We returned to the accommodations at 4:45 am. I showered {absolutely needed it} and met up with folks afterwards.  Drank some wine.  There is a window of decompression time.  It is necessary.  Went to bed around 7:30 am?  Woke up at 11, startled.  Threw my stuff into the bag and headed out to the shuttle.  At this point, I am delirious.  Lack of sleep, proper fuel, hydration.  I couldn't tell you if I retrieved all of my belongings.  

Today was rough.  I think tomorrow will be better, but it is taxing on the body to do these events.  I didn't fuel properly or sleep enough.  I did manage a walk today and a few tasks.  Yet, I know that in the future, I will reconsider these choices.  My time is more important to me than making money.  I cannot get those 72 hours back.  Or the amount of crap my body incurred.  Taking care of myself is paramount to making money.  Money will always be there.  Time cannot return.

Make better choices.  Follow better people.  Spread kindness.

I am invested in this mysterious death and how horrible it is.  Leaving a friend to die alone is not what I envision for anyone.  There is speculation and rumors.  However, it does not change the fact that he died. This young man was a son to parents.  He had dreams, habits, goals.  His life was discarded for no other reason that he was inconvenient.  His parents deserve answers and the truth.  

When my boyfriend died, I was devastated.  I fell into this empty hole of crap trying to understand why he died.  Why (if there was a god) that this would happen.  Brian's death was accidental.  I knew it immediately.  Anger destroys people.  

This young man with the unknown death creates anger.  Anger at his supposed friends for leaving him at the island if that is the case.  Or anger for their rage in his demise.  I am disgusted at the notion that they beat him to death and then pissed on his body.  I do not understand that rage or entitlement.  We are all human beings.  I believe in the principles of pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.  I want to believe that this man was not killed because he was different.  

They are still determining what happened.  I vy on the side of there are many things that do not add up.  The truth needs to be revealed, and it will.

Still, I won't dismiss that he drowned.  There is more to know.  More details to learn.  Either way, he was alone.  They did not call his loved ones to let them know something had happened.  That is the chilling disrespectful part.  Not knowing where your loved is or how to contact them.  

Again, when Brian died, I would have done anything to ensure that he was safe.  I was trying to barter with the higher being about protection.  

Losing someone is devastating.  There is no path forward when you lose your child, your partner, your parent.  It is a constant gut punch.  It doesn't leave.  It just transitions.  I will carry my loss for the remainder of my life.  

I know I need to sleep and let some of this go.  Please spread kindness.  Be curious, not comfortable.  Many thanks

Random recent thoughts

Is it only Tuesday?  Doesn't it feel like Thursday?  I don't know.  Perhaps it is the weather.  I feel lazy, uninspired, unmotivated.  I do not know where to start.  There is so much to be uninspired by.  The current state of the world.  And even there what are the top three things that are making you crazy?  I think there are possibly 30 things that are making me crazy.  I am finding it difficult to narrow it down.  My anger shifts day to day as I learn of new things.

For instance, the gutting of the voting rights truly pissed me off.  It incenses me that the supreme court lied again and did whatever they wanted.  In 2022 when they gutted Roe v Wade, I spit out my water and almost choked on it.  I couldn't believe that they would want to roll back women's rights.  And it didn't end there.  Of course, it didn't.  They continue to move the goal posts.  Same with the voter's rights.  They kicked over that domino and will continue to take away all rights of everyone that they feel do not deserve to be represented.

So there is that.  Then I started to see more information on the data centers that are popping up all over the states.  How are they even being approved?  The effect on the environment is devastating.  But politicians do not care.  They do not care if you have limited access to water.  If you lose your home to the data center.  It is appalling.  And they are rushing to put them all over.  Why?  What will they do for us?  Kill the environment, take water, eliminate jobs and screw people over.  What are we even doing?

The detention centers and forced labor of the inhibits also dire and ridiculous.  I read that in order to use the phone a person is required to work five days to make one phone call.  How is that even possible?  Not to mention the increase in racist attacks.  Just the blatant hatred that is exposed.  I suppose I have lived in a bubble that I created.  I was unaware or unwilling (if I am honest) to see how much people in my generation were hiding their racism.  I thought we had changed.  I grew up in the 80's and 90's.  My school was mostly white but there was a large vietnamese population, some mexican and black kids in my class.  Yes, they were the minority, but it didn't feel that forced hatred of someone that was different than me.  When I went to college, of course, I was exposed to more people that did not look like me.  Choosing to work in the service industry has always reflected an assortment of people, cultures and outlooks on life.  I am grateful for the melting pot.  I do not understand how people are still so hateful of other races.  I truly do not understand it, and it makes me furious that some people are spewing their hatred at other races to make themselves feel better?  We are all human beings first and foremost.  Instead of hating other races, we should be looking upward at the elite class that continues to pick our pockets and steal from us.  I do not want to work until I die.  I do not know anyone else that wants that either.  However, the pathway we are currently on, we are going to force 95% of the population to do that.  Living in a world where we are sicker, have less pathways out of poverty and less living the dream we were sold.  

Still I am hopeful as people wake up (finally).  The corruption is over the top!  Everyday some new story about our taxes being taken to fund a small group of people.  No oversight, accountability or proposed end in sight.  It is WILD!

It is my intention to speak to my tribe about the importance of voting and recognizing that we are human beings and in this together.  I want to live in a world where we can all thrive and enjoy the resources--clean water, food, travel, nature.  Am I naive to want this?

Recent thoughts

Happy Hump Day!  This year has flown by in some respects and in others it is stagnant.  We are inching closer to the midterms which is optimism overload (thankfully).  The nonstop daily barrage of bullshit is wearing me down.  It is exhausting and frustrating to see all of the headlines that are front and center and then be updated on things that are happening behind closed doors.  For instance, the recent Supreme Court ruling gutting the voting rights.  I had not been aware that that was even happening.  What do they say--focus on one thing so you are not overwhelmed.  I think that is why I was not paying attention to current cases in front of the court.

Check your voter registration.  If you are not registered, register to vote.  It is imperative to use your right to vote.  I am devastated by the court's decision to gut the voter rights.  I know that they will not stop by limiting the representation of people of color.  They want to return the voting rights where only white men are voting.  They do not value anyone but that component of society.  However, we are a multi-cultural society.  

We all deserve representation.  We are taxed and should have representation to reflect our individual rights.  Personally, as a woman, I should not have the government dictating what I can or cannot do with my body.  I shouldn't be told I have to have kids.  And there should be research into what menopause is.  There is so much unknown about that process.  Right now, almost every woman in my life, is struggling with changes in her body.  And it is all different.  I prefer to not take pills or medication to regulate myself.  I do take supplements--Magnesium, Vitamin C, Fish oil, black cohosh and Vitamin D.  I am still learning and trying to navigate this upcoming phase of my life.  The gluteal tendinopathy is a real thing.  It is forcing me to stretch out my hips, daily, or risk the dull achy pain that will not go away. 

Randomly over the course of two weeks, I encountered two people over 30 years old, who have never voted.  I was shocked!  The first one I thought I was being punked.  Truly.  I couldn't believe that this man would not vote.  He said it wouldn't matter as it didn't affect his lifestyle.  He was happy attending raves.  I understand that I do.  But things are progressing and it will affect everyone.  It already is.  The cost of fuel, groceries, travel, health insurance, car insurance, home insurance, rent.  When does it stop?  What is the end game?  

I alter between survival and elevating my life.  It is an odd balance.  I see the survival mode in some of my decisions and beliefs.  I am planning a yoga retreat, and I hesitate to book the accommodations.  I know that I can put it together and host another successful retreat.  I believe that.  Yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, I want to stay in the comfort of survival.  I don't want to see myself as capable.  It is the unknown and risky.  Everything is unknown and risky right now.  I know there are resources.  I believe in abundance.  I want to break up with the news but I cannot look away.  

What is the solution?  

Saturdays are the best

Some days, I know I could be more productive.  That I should be more productive.  I should do my administrative work instead of putting it off until the absolute last minute.  I start off with the best intentions and then derail it.  For instance, this morning, I taught yoga, took a walk and researched potential recipes for my upcoming happy hour.  Yoga was fantastic. I returned home and considered the remainder of my day.  Walking more seemed imperative.  I managed that after lunch and felt good about that decision.

I prepped a grocery list and headed to Postino.  A glass of wine before shopping on a Saturday at Trader Joe's is necessary.  I tend to want to dart in and out of the store.  I avoid using shopping carts and instead rely on the basket to do my shopping.  I feel that I am able to navigate the store easier without the bulkiness of the cart.  I really despise shopping carts.  I will make multiple trips to the market to avoid using a cart.  I hate wasting food.  I prefer shopping more times to avoid that factor.

I had a book to read and settled in at Postino.  Midway through my visit, a lady sat down next to me.  She seemed a little gruff and so I continued to read my book and glance around the surroundings.  I enjoy reading the vibes and watching people interact.

One of the server assistants broke glassware, loudly, twice.  Noticeably loud.  Stopped conversation.  I paid my tab and the lady asked me what I was reading and if I liked it.  We started chatting books--Wally Lamb.  I love Wally Lamb.  I have read multiple books by him.  He is a master of character development in my opinion.  Then moved into other territory.  Occupation, travel, family...I learned more about her situation than anticipated.  A reminder that as difficult as my family situation can be, I am mostly normal compared to other people.  From that encounter, I feel like people like to confide in me.  I do not know my exact purpose in life but after the last few days, I think part of my purpose is to listen and allow people to chat.  To discard the loneliness.  The gruffness dissolved and she seemed approachable unlike she had when she sat down.  

A guy I know from former days strolled through before heading to his current bar gig.  He gave me a hug and reminded me of when he works at this particular bar.  I walked to Trader Joe's and regretted it immediately.  Too many people with carts, lol.  I picked up a few items knowing that I would return at another time.  I do not have the patience to withstand the amount of people wandering around.  I really despise carts and how much room they take up.  

Returning home and intending to return to the task list.  I will do better.  I must do better.  I reflect on the day and am hopeful for more community and interaction.  The divineness of the chaos of today is not all encompassing.  There is hope and time.  Next time you are in a situation you are unfamiliar with, embrace it.  See where the conversation leads.  Allow it to move organically.