choosing my life and possessions

I have always been a minimalist.  Possibly since cleaning my mom's house, weekly, was the bane of my existence.  She had numerous knickknacks, collectibles, etc.  So many things to dust and clean.  I knew that I would never have a home that had a ton of shit to clean.  I love my mom.  I do.  But, she had so much shit to clean that it scarred me for life.

As an adult, my home reflects the life of a college student.  I am spartan.  I have a wine cabinet that I purchased with Brian in 2003.  We purchased it from Cost Plus and it has moved from rental to rental, state to state.  My current dresser was a hand me down from a neighbor.  I painted it and made it mine.  I have a hand me down couch and end table from my landlord.  Tiffany gifted me a coffee table, random decor, coffee mugs and spices.  Lindsay gave me her guest bed and table.  Basically, I am given the decor in my home with the exception of artwork.  I take pride in my eclectic taste.  I enjoy Frieda Kahlo, Diego Rivera, Van Gogh and a local Santa Fe artist, Clayton Peshlakai who I have bought a metal butterfly from.  It is my most prized possession.  My last mid-decade birthday of note, I bought the butterfly and had a Van Gogh print framed.  I had no idea how much it cost to custom frame a print.  Brian and I went to Amsterdam in 2003.  After walking through the Van Gogh Museum, we came across the Crows at Auvers.  Such a beautiful painting.  I picked up a print in 2016 and it remained in my closet til I opted to have it framed.  

I only bring awareness to my habits since I have been hosting yoga sessions in my apartment.  Sure, I should probably be more accomplished in the decor.  One of my clients commented on this last night.  He was kind in his approach, but it was awkward.  Forced me to reconsider why I choose to live this way.  I told him that I was a spartan since I have moved a bunch in my life.  I pack my car and go.  This is true.  I moved from Denver to Phoenix, Phoenix to Santa Fe, and Santa Fe back to Denver.  I have never hired a U-Haul in my life.  

I refuse to apologize for my decisions.  It has enabled an abundance of travel, experiences and memories.  And, when I move again, it will be easy.  I never wanted to be bogged down with stuff.  I do believe it all goes back with the childhood home and having to clean it.  My mom's home was lovely.  We had a front room that was meticulously vacuumed.  White carpet.  It was where they would greet guests.  No one else ever went into that room.  Ever.  It was set up for show.  Not to be used by children.

I feel like a David Sedaris short story about growing up in the 70's and his mom kicked them out of the house when they had consecutive snow days.  Have you read that short story?  His mom was frustrated that her kids were interfering with her days when they were at school.  She couldn't cocktail, watch her programs or relax.  Instead, she was forced to handle her kids during the snow days until she kicked them outside.  This still makes me chuckle.  My mom wasn't a day drinker, but she did enjoy her days alone.  She could read, do chores, reflect.  Basically, have time to herself which we all relish.

I slept like shit last night.  Obsessing over my lack of things.  Silly, as I actively, have chosen this lifestyle.  I prefer experiences to stuff.  I would like a few more plants and can figure that out. In all honesty, I am happy with my choices.  Some doubts occur when I expose myself to people that do not know my choices.  I feel inferior, briefly.  Until I remember my around the world trip. 14 trips per year until Covid and even now.  My decision to road trip to Santa Fe often.  I have a great life.  I will not apologize for my lack of decor to make people feel at ease.  It has been my choice.  I am happy.

Staying the path. Choosing to

I hate waking up in the middle of the night.  Typically, I am able to fall back asleep to some degree.  Last night, it evaded me.  I woke up at midnight and struggled to fall back asleep.  I kept looking at my phone to see what time it was. 1:18. 1:45.  2:30.  3:15.  It was painful.  

This continued until 5:30 when I had set an alarm to wake up.  I had agreed to teach an a.m. yoga class at 6:15.  At this point, I received simultaneous text messages to contact me about not being able to do the class due to work and sick kiddo.  I got up and tried to get comfortable on my couch.  I put on a show to provide some noise and managed to sleep for about an hour and a half.  

I look forward to being able to sleep tonight.  A light nap, shower and lots of water.  For me, if I do not get adequate sleep or hydration, I tend to get laryngitis.  It has happened multiple times and each encounter seems to worsen and extend.  I am exhausted.  I attempted a few sleep meditations but to no avail.  It has been an awful 24 hours.

I think I am overthinking.  I try to relax and stop the racing mind.  Any suggestions on how to counter this?  There is a movie that recently came out that is similar to the Secret. I signed up to view it but almost immediately, realized that it was not speaking to me.  I read a few reviews and felt that it had received mixed feedback.  I tried to stay interested.  Truly, I wanted to be inspired.  Perhaps, I missed out on something.  I do not feel like I did.

Instead, it motivated me to reflect on things that have helped me in the past.  Journaling.  Meditating.  Blogging.  It is easy to get bogged down in a negative head space.  Believe me.  I have questioned my decision to pursue my passion.  Is it the right choice?  Am I doing the right thing?  What else could I be doing?  How do I not let my thoughts race at night?  Should I return to a more normal employment?  

I spoke to Shari about her decision to buy an RV and tour the United States.  She has had doubts of distress and discouragement, too.  I told her it was normal when we embark on alternative paths that do not make sense to others in our life.  I feel that I speak from experience as the last two years have been challenging.  Then, I remember my why.  Why I chose to embark on this path.  Why I will continue to stay on this path.  

I am hopeful for a full night of sleep.  I need it.  I know that I am unable to go to sleep before 9:30.  Otherwise, I will wake up, again, in the middle of the night.  I cannot have consecutive nights of lousy sleep.  Tomorrow, I see my trainer which will require energy.  The idea of being unsinkable can help.  Maybe the movie should have focused more on how to be unsinkable.  Maybe it did after twenty minutes.  There was no hook for me.  I saw my interest dwindling and so I returned to what makes me tick.  Journaling.  Meditating.  And, blogging.  

I hope you have a wonderful rest of your night.  Find your purpose and stay the course.