Gratitude and reminders

Every day I am reminded the importance of connection and community.  I did not have a cell phone until 2006.  I was very resistant to attain one.  All of my friends had them, but I was determined to let people call my land line and leave a message if they needed to contact me.   I suppose that was somewhat arrogant, but I didn't care.  I did not want to be available to people at all times.  

Then Brian died.  It was terrible and I was trying to figure out how to navigate it.  What made sense to me probably wouldn't speak to most people.  I refused to go to grief counseling.  Instead, I chose to take a couple road trips.  At that point, I knew I would want a cell phone to ensure that I could contact my people and feel comfortable.  So I bought some random flip phone (yes, I am that old).  I signed up with T-Mobile since Tiffany and Jimmy both used that service.  

Eventually I added data and felt more comfortable using the phone.  I upgraded to an android but have never felt it necessary to consider an I-phone or the latest model of an android.  I have opted to find a phone that isn't too expensive and that is reliable.  I use it for my business and keeping in contact with friends.  It tracks my steps, takes photos, allows for texts.  I use it often.  Too much if I am being honest.  It is not at all where I thought I would end up.  

Technology has enabled some good things.  The opportunity to book cars to get to and from.  Booking airline tickets, looking at reviews, enhancing photos...And opened us up to a ton of vile things.  Surveillance, tracking, paying more for receiving less.  Cutting out the human connection.  As much as some people want to promote AI, I would prefer speaking to a human being.  Hearing the emotions in their voice and being able to discern what the issue is.  There are issues with being technologically reliant.  It becomes more apparent when people become angry, depressed, afraid, ashamed, embarrassed.  A machine cannot correct that.  You need human connection.  

I was reminded today about compassion.  We need connection and interaction.  Someone we trust and that we know is in our corner.  AI cannot achieve that.  

I am thankful for my community and how it is expanding and evolving.  That is all I am going to reflect on.  And I will listen to my radio more and eliminate using my phone.  I must break up with the surveillance tracking and monopolization of my time.  There is a reason for human interaction.

Celebrate, enjoy and taste life~

Habits

When July started, I signed up for this tai chi walking challenge.  Figuring, why not?  What do I have to lose to try out this guided walking challenge?  Multiple ads had found their way to my social media.  I was inundated on instagram, facebook and youtube.  In route to a much-needed pedicure, I signed up.  Of course, doing this while driving is not the smartest or safest thing to do.  I can be impulsive and midway through the process I was doubting myself.  Yet, committed to the process with the promise of a discount.  The discount is also the hook that reels me in.

I have been struggling with the change, stress, cortisol build up and overall, not feeling great in my body.  I attempted an ayruvedic approach (which I stand by).  The main issue with this approach is the elimination of caffeine, alcohol, dairy, sugar, night shade vegetables.  Basically, anything that inflames your body.  For me, specifically, I identify as a Pitta.  I was given a recommended diet of cooked vegetables and spices.  Had I fully tried this approach, I believe, I would have been successful.  I see the benefits of eating warm food and slowing down while eating.  Creating specific times to eat and focus on the digestion.  It did not align with my life.  I work for a catering company and cannot tell them I need to sit down to focus on my digestion during service.  Ironically, I was able to cut out caffeine with ease.  I did not drink coffee for eight months of 2025.  I flirted with eliminating wine and tequila from my daily livelihood.  It didn't really stick.

I tried cutting out processed foods.  But I love chips and salsa.  And I want joy in my life.  I shifted my focus to manageable things that would make me feel better.  In that regard, the tai chi walking is a better fit.  Could I do more?  Yes.  I could minimize the said dairy, processed foods, wine.  I am working on the stress component.  Some days are better than others.  The most recent news of the disappearance of Nolan Wells is making that difficult.  There still are so many unanswered questions to what happened to that kid.  And so many inconsistencies that lead me to think that there is a cover up.  They do not want to be transparent about what happened on July 4th to that young man.  I feel terrible for his parents.  The lack of knowing what happened in his final hours would be heart breaking.  I remember when I was called and told that something had happened to Brian.  That there had been an accident and Brian was hurt.  The guy who called me had no other information and it was so frustrating to not be able to contact Brian or anyone who knew what happened outside of that there had been an accident.  I remember calling hospitals to see if he had been admitted.  Calling the police to see if they had him or knew what had happened.  It is horrifying to not be able to contact someone you love.

I cannot stop thinking about how his mother is feeling losing her child.  I feel that there is independent media following the story and a bunch of people who are making it visible.  They will not be able to cover up what happened.  The truth will come out.  And, regardless of if no foul play was a factor, his friends still left him on the island.  That is negligent to me.   Or that they do not appear that concerned that he was missing.  Why wouldn't they reach out to his family and say, we have his phone and car keys?  There is no reason to have his belongings and not let his family know.  I reiterate, when I was notified that my boyfriend had an accident, all I wanted to know was that he was okay.  That he would be coming home.  I remember trying to barter with God that I would be better if he would let Brian come home.  Completely irrational.  But I was grasping at anything to make sure he was okay.

So, back to the tai chi walking.  They suggest a number of steps to walk daily and offer multiple guided workouts to supplement some of the steps.  Lymphatic draining, walking indoors, boxing, light strength training.  I have been committed to the program with one exception.  My weekend in Aspen derailed since I did not have cell service at the Ranch.  I was unable to track my steps and so it looked like I was a couch potato for a few days, lol.  

The best outcome is that I am walking daily four to six miles.  I feel lighter in general.  No longer bogged down physically or emotionally.  So there is that.  

I am not perfect and I barely have answers for myself.  Yet, I want to continue moving forward with trial and error with the change.  I am finding more confidence in saying no, that doesn't work for me.  I like that factor.

Do what feels right to you.  Until later.....

Do what feels right to you

I am navigating this new stage of life for me.  Somewhere between perimenopause and hanging out to the normalcy of being a woman.  Translation, I am still experiencing my period regularly.  It varies a little and I am experiencing some of the side effects of the joyful change.  Night sweats, gluteal tendinopathy, some stubborn cortisol build up.  (Sexy things to consider, I know.  It is only where I am at in my life currently).  Trying to figure out the best way to maneuver this is challenging.  Some friends have relied on birth control, hormone replacement therapy, other medications, supplements, creams.  There is no defined course of action as not only is it not researched that much, people do not talk about it.  It is an awkward topic, yet it affects all women at some point.  

Knowing that, I was surprised when I met a nurse practitioner the other day.  She was confident and loved what she does.  Truly, I love that for her.  I love that she is passionate about helping people on the journey of womanhood and menopause.  She wanted to be helpful to me, but was dismissive when I told her I have been using a yam cream to counter the night sweats.  It is a topical cream that has been a game changer for me.  Definitely decreased the night sweats that had been waking me up nightly.  She sort of scoffed when I mentioned what I had been doing.  Immediately she suggested using a low dose birth control.  Even suggested a brand and that I could take it for a few years and then switch to a hormone replacement therapy.  

My takeaway was that it was unsolicited advice.  And that she didn't value treatments that did not include hormones or pills.  Not everyone responds to birth control.  It doesn't decrease some of the symptoms and makes life more difficult.  I realized that I should do what speaks to me.  In most things, I should do what makes sense to me.  I have never followed the "right way" to be successful.  I will not start now.

There is trial and error with this process.  I am reading more about it and trying to come to terms with where I am at.  I think, for some women, it feels like you are being put out to pasture since you are no longer valued.  Others, it is an awakening.  A time to focus on your needs and say no to what doesn't speak to you any longer.  I keep seeing stories on Threads about break up, divorce, loneliness (supposed/projected).  But is it lonely to be alone?  

I have friends with kids.  I have friends, like me, who chose not to have kids.  My friends with kids love their kids.  Some have a solid balance of being a good parent raising human beings while retaining their own identity.  In most of those cases, they have good co-parents or new partners who also understand the importance of raising human beings, providing boundaries and love.  One of my yoga clients attended a recent session.  Her husband had taken the kids on a day trip and she was like--I have no idea what to do today.  It is liberating to not have concrete plans.  Maybe I will go to the farmer's market?  Or go home and read on my couch.  She seemed a little unprepared to do whatever she wanted.

I, however, do not have that issue.  I love knowing that if I want to drive to Santa Fe to visit Tom, I can.  If I want to check out a new restaurant by myself, I can, at any time.  I am not thinking of someone else's wants, needs or schedule.  I am not lonely.  I think there are other women who are discovering that freedom.  Choosing what they want instead of what the other people in their lives need.  Instead of putting themselves last, they are able to do what they want.  

Only something I am pondering on a Sunday afternoon.  Trying to stay cooler.  It has been hot the last month.  My morning walks have been consistent and mandatory in the a.m.  Otherwise the heat is a deterrent and distraction.

Here is to a chill afternoon, reflection and peppermint hot tea~

Recovering

Recovery days are rough.  

I will say it again.  Recovery days are rough.  I work multiple jobs and for myself.  Keeps it fresh and interesting.  Sometimes, I have an opportunity to do an overnight event which is what occurred this past weekend.  I was hesitant at first.  I did not think I would be able to make it work.  I teach yoga every Saturday and have since 2020.  The class occurs at City Park and is consistently attended.  I love it.  It is something I look forward to each week.

I signed up for the long catering knowing it would be an 11:30 am in time and a return by 4 am.  They convinced me that a pre-set might be a better option.  I could stay overnight Friday and Saturday night.  I knew some of the other people going up for the weekend.  I was excited and agreed to the circumstances.  Foolishly.

It is never a correct itinerary or timeline.  I thought I could rally and escape unscathed.  Silly.  I woke up this morning and felt exhausted.  I had no desire to get out of bed.  I canceled my yoga class.  I had to reschedule.  There was no way that that class was going to happen.

There is something to be said about working 13-17 hours.  Constantly on and never relaxing.  I did manage to hydrate somewhat.  Yet, it takes its toll.  We returned to the accommodations at 4:45 am. I showered {absolutely needed it} and met up with folks afterwards.  Drank some wine.  There is a window of decompression time.  It is necessary.  Went to bed around 7:30 am?  Woke up at 11, startled.  Threw my stuff into the bag and headed out to the shuttle.  At this point, I am delirious.  Lack of sleep, proper fuel, hydration.  I couldn't tell you if I retrieved all of my belongings.  

Today was rough.  I think tomorrow will be better, but it is taxing on the body to do these events.  I didn't fuel properly or sleep enough.  I did manage a walk today and a few tasks.  Yet, I know that in the future, I will reconsider these choices.  My time is more important to me than making money.  I cannot get those 72 hours back.  Or the amount of crap my body incurred.  Taking care of myself is paramount to making money.  Money will always be there.  Time cannot return.

Make better choices.  Follow better people.  Spread kindness.

I am invested in this mysterious death and how horrible it is.  Leaving a friend to die alone is not what I envision for anyone.  There is speculation and rumors.  However, it does not change the fact that he died. This young man was a son to parents.  He had dreams, habits, goals.  His life was discarded for no other reason that he was inconvenient.  His parents deserve answers and the truth.  

When my boyfriend died, I was devastated.  I fell into this empty hole of crap trying to understand why he died.  Why (if there was a god) that this would happen.  Brian's death was accidental.  I knew it immediately.  Anger destroys people.  

This young man with the unknown death creates anger.  Anger at his supposed friends for leaving him at the island if that is the case.  Or anger for their rage in his demise.  I am disgusted at the notion that they beat him to death and then pissed on his body.  I do not understand that rage or entitlement.  We are all human beings.  I believe in the principles of pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.  I want to believe that this man was not killed because he was different.  

They are still determining what happened.  I vy on the side of there are many things that do not add up.  The truth needs to be revealed, and it will.

Still, I won't dismiss that he drowned.  There is more to know.  More details to learn.  Either way, he was alone.  They did not call his loved ones to let them know something had happened.  That is the chilling disrespectful part.  Not knowing where your loved is or how to contact them.  

Again, when Brian died, I would have done anything to ensure that he was safe.  I was trying to barter with the higher being about protection.  

Losing someone is devastating.  There is no path forward when you lose your child, your partner, your parent.  It is a constant gut punch.  It doesn't leave.  It just transitions.  I will carry my loss for the remainder of my life.  

I know I need to sleep and let some of this go.  Please spread kindness.  Be curious, not comfortable.  Many thanks