My heart hurts.
I remember this feeling, this ache, after Brian passed.
I woke up, several times last night, and my hands were on my chest, trying to seek safety in my heart, I guess. It was bizarre, but it was as if I was trying to find a connection to pureness or good. I don't know.
I went to yoga and so I feel centered somewhat. I want to be happy in life and feel positive about people, about the universe and about myself. I know things happen and that there is never a script as to when someone's time is up. It doesn't make it any easier though.
My friend that passed seemed happy in life. He was a physically beautiful man and took great pride in his appearance. I guess underneath it all, he had demons or darkness to contend with.
I had another friend who I was closer to that killed himself a few years ago. When I heard the news, I was shocked, devastated. He was a great man, but very dark in his personal life. He died violently and made sure that he wasn't alone. In some ways, I think he was hoping to be saved but wasn't.
I'll always reflect fondly on him, though. He introduced me to the band, Morphine. He had a love of wine and art. He visited me in Denver, once, and we had a nice night out. I was living with Vegas, Dave and Paul at the time. I think my dad was traumatized by my living arrangements. Funny what you remember from loss.
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