Happy Tuesday

Good morning!  I keep hearing about situations of injury, loss or break ups.  It is an odd time, and I am focusing on how to better myself instead of leaning into the chaos.  

Seriously.  Since I received my news about a close friend, being hurt, I spiraled for a couple days.  Unable to eat, experiencing crying jags and feeling empty.  It is a time of finding self-medicating easy to accomplish.  I remember when Brian died, I think I was able to drink until 4:30 (without eating.  I didn't feel like it).  I was supposed to be at work by 9 and so I would wake up without trying at 8 to be ready to work a day shift at a bar.  Looking back, I have no idea how I was able to sustain that for as long as I did.  Honestly, I think it was a solid six months before realizing that I was not helping myself.  That not eating was counterproductive especially since my partner had been a chef.  He would have mortified in my lack of eating.  Disappointed in my dealing with grief.

This go, I recognized the triggers, and I am in a different place now.  I am involved in a loving relationship.  My energy is focused on cultivating that relationship and continuing to grow and flourish.  Additionally, my friend has a vast support network and is being visited and assisted.  I did what I needed to do for me.  And I was thankful that I was contacted to let me know he was hurt.  Sometimes, we fall out of alignment with people and move in different directions.  It is natural and can be a blessing. In this case, I always wanted the best for him.  Still do.  

It was devastating to hear, and I am thankful he is recovering.  I hope to observe from a distance.  If he needs assistance, I will do what I can.  

My group of people have all checked in on me and been available to listen.  For example, Lindsay met me for coffee, Brie accompanied me to the hospital and distracted me by playing darts, Sara Jo called me, and my sisters have all been amazing.  I feel very loved by my friends.  And, then there is the other side of this.  News that was kept from me since friends knew I was navigating my own grief.  They did not know if I could handle it or not.  In some regard, I am not able to be that helpful.  I can listen.  I can be supportive, but I am unable to travel to be present with my one friend.  Thankfully, she has other people that are able to be with her currently.

There is so much brewing right now, energetically.  I do not know what it is or why it is evolving this way--grief, obstacles, death.  Maybe a time of breaking up obstacles?  I do not know enough about it.  Only that I want to connect with nature, refill my cup and focus on being kind.  I keep seeing things about the importance of community.  Maybe that is the underlying message.  I need to strengthen and build my tribe.

Yesterday, I repurposed a bed sheet by hand sewing a tote bag.  Considering I didn't measure anything (which is recommended) I feel okay with it.  I might shorten the straps today.  I am trying to organically fill my cup.  Learning new skills and being positive.

However you choose to be kind to yourself, lean in.  Happy Tuesday!