first days in Hanoi

We landed in Hanoi.  Directed into the airport and the visa on arrival line.  We knew going in that we would have to have our paperwork in order.  Every guidebook tells you of how you are unable to enter without an approval letter and two passport sized photos.  Prepared we hurriedly filled out the paperwork.  Somehow I missed that part of the process.  We walked to the agent and handed our passport to him, the approval letter and were told to wait.  While there, we watched this couple attempt to get their visa.  They did not print out their approval letter however.  The gate agent had no interest in helping them.  He even said, leave.  I was shocked and very thankful that we had printed out the approval letters.
Twenty minutes or so later, we were handed our passports back.  Everything was in order.  We could leave the airport and make our way into the city.  Our homestay had sent a car and so it was an easy transition.  We would not have to talk to any of the drivers and try to explain where we were heading.  The airport is a ways from the city center.  Driving in, everything seemed tranquil.  Serene, almost.  We got closer to the old quarter and suddenly we were surrounded by scooters.  Scooters everywhere.  Driving at us, next to us and people just going.  There was no rhyme or reason to the traffic.  I watched people trying to cross streets. I was fascinated and overwhelmed.  I didn't really look forward to trying to walking the next day. 
Our driver dropped us and our host guided us to our homestay.  Still a little overwhelmed by all of the activity on the streets.  Instead of staying we in, we walked around the neighborhood before settling on a spot for spring rolls and a beer.  We discussed what we hoped to see while in Hanoi.  There was Halong Bay we could arrange.  All we knew was that we had one more night in Hanoi before deciding where we would head. The next morning we set up a tour to Halong Bay and a return to Hanoi for an additional overnight.  Our hosts were accommodating and knowledgeable.  They set up our flights to Danang and had no issue making suggestions for us. 
Hanoi is interesting.  Inhabited by seven million people with at least five million people owning scooters.  Parking is limited for cars which makes sense as to why so many people choose to get around the city that way.  Lots of street food, shopping, people everywhere.  I got confused more than once as to where we were.  I had never been so blatant with the fact that I was lost either.  I swear, I looked at the map and still had no idea where we were.  There was a distinct lack of English unlike Bangkok.  Eventually, we managed to find the Hanoi Hilton, a lake and a place we could enjoy a beer.  I didn't know what to expect from the prison.  I felt depressed.
The Hoan Kiem lake was a nice treat.  Gorgeous flowers of all kinds, trees, lanterns offer a soothing break from the hustle and bustle of Hanoi.  I wish I could fully express how challenging it is to walk in that city.  At first, that is.  Then, it begins to flow and make sense.  Or, I found that we were no longer terrified to cross the street.  There is an understanding between pedestrians and scooters where everyone is welcome and able to function. 
We stopped by a massage place and experienced a nice massage.  In Vietnam, like Thailand, they give you clothes to wear while being massaged.  The clothes were interesting.  Silk capris pants and a halter top.  Thai style massage and tea to finish. 
Our hosts invited us to dinner.  Luan's father in law made us a traditional meal with his wife, their daughter and grandson.  Unfortunately Luan was at work.  The food was great and again, we were reminded of the language barrier.  The mother in law spoke English well but the conversation was limited.  It was our fault as neither of us tried to learn phrases in Vietnamese.  Next time I travel I intend to make more of an effort to be a good guest. 
We had breakfast the next morning with the family. They offered eggs or noodles.  We both wanted noodles.  Amazing.  I added too many chilis.  I was no longer congested.  And they made us as much coffee as we wanted.  I was super happy!
We packed up and headed to Halong Bay.  The only bus we would take over the next three weeks.  Of course, we could have taken a bus or train to tour the countries.  However, we knew that would require endless time that we would not be able to get back.  Every time we traveled to a new city, we lost half of a day.  We would need to adjust, adapt and stay near wherever we were staying.
The bus ride was supposed to take three and a half to four hours.  We were advised that the driver would follow the speed limit as it was suggested to follow the speed limit.  To not speed or antagonize the police.  I was prepared to be in the bus for four hours.  We stopped at a midway spot to use the bathroom and allow the driver rest. I bought a coffee and waited.  Other tour companies use this as their midway stop as well.  There were a plethora of buses to sort through when we were departing.
We drove through this town and encountered traffic.  Unable to move type of traffic.  It was suggested that an accident had occurred. We sat and waited for fifteen minutes before finally making progress. During this time, I was frustrated since it seemed like there was no solution to the problem.  No one to direct traffic or help ease the jam.  We would see the other drivers going in the opposite direction able to drive while we sat and waited.  We saw trucks full of pigs secured by bamboo and scooters carrying two by fours, flowers, chickens.  Entertaining for sure.
Finally we were able to move and continue our drive.  Halong Bay was beautiful.  Stunning.  Gorgeous.  Our tour included a stop at caves and an overnight stay on a boat.  That was more than enough time to see the area.  I think if it had been warmer, kayaking or swimming would have been great.  Hanoi and Halong Bay were cold.  I was so thankful that I brought my jeans along with me.  In Bangkok, I considered leaving them as they were an unnecessary thing in my bag.  I could lighten my bag by leaving those and the yoga pants somewhere.  Then, I changed my mind in Hanoi. 
On the return trip to Hanoi, again, we encountered insane traffic in the same spot.  It wasn't as long but definitely held us up.  We returned to Hanoi at 5 pm.  We chose to walk around the city and dine at a popular street fare spot.  Barbecue pork or bun cha was a must do while in Hanoi.  It was good.  A little greasy but good indeed.  I wanted a massage and so we walked aimlessly around.  There was a spot near the hotel that seemed decent.  We had walked past a place that looked dirty and so we chose to pass.  They had massages for $6. 
We settled on another spot and in hindsight should have kept walking.  Instead we were asked to change into pants.  No top was given and we were told--why do you need a shirt?  We are all girls in here.  There were two ladies that had received a facial in the room as well as three other therapists.  We started facedown and the girls were talking.  Talking more than is usual.  I had a flashback to a Seinfeld episode where Elaine asked George's dad to translate what the pedicurists were saying about her.  These ladies talked and laughed and barely massaged us.  Shari got frustrated and left midway through the massage.  I struggled but stayed.  I shouldn't have.  It really was a terrible massage.
It soured the experience of massage.  From this point on, we wanted to look at the rooms and discuss if the place was adequate or not. 
The next morning we left Hanoi after another awesome meal at the homestay.  I really loved everything about this experience.  Clean, kind, gracious.  Super accommodating and helpful.  All of our needs were met.  And they invited to not two, but three meals with them.  Honestly the best broth that we ate. 
After spending time in Hanoi, we considered if we wanted to go to Saigon or not.  More people.  More scooters and another city to adjust to.  Everyone we spoke to told us of how busy it was.  This factored in our decision to head to Laos from Danang.  More on that later....

Beginning of my trip

Cheers!  This is the start of my trip to Southeast Asia.  We had a layover in Seoul, Korea, and opted to have a quick beverage before settling into another flight.  I thought it was three hours.  Turned out it was 5.  I thought I would die.

Mostly due to the fact that the initial flight from Seattle was almost eleven hours.  I get bored sitting in one place and I was unable to sleep.  Typical.  The return flight was worse.  I think I slept maybe two hours before landing in Denver.  I am staying up, currently, in an attempt to sleep through the night. 

I left Denver on a Saturday morning.  Shari missed her initial flight from Minneapolis.  She contacted me to let me know that she was trying to find a way to Seattle before our flight departed for Seoul.  I remember thinking--crap.  I really hope that she can get on another flight.  If she doesn't, I am uncertain how we will meet up in Bangkok and I don't have any of the hotel information.  I am so screwed.  After landing in Seattle, I met my friends, Jean and her boyfriend.  They took me to breakfast and gave me a mini break from being in the airport.  We had omelets and bloody Mary's.  Lovely!  They dropped me off back at the airport and I went through another security to eventually meet Shari at our departure gate.  She had managed to find another flight to Seattle.  Thankfully!

We land in Seoul where we go through security to enter the airport.  There was a transfer to our gate and over an hour to handle this.  I went through the scanner and was flagged down.  They wanted to search my bags for what I presumed was my wine opener.  I found it tucked away in my carry on.  A wine opener from chateau st jean that I had acquired years ago while visiting California.  I also had a souvenir from my dining experience at the French laundry.  Both items were nostalgic.  I was surprised that I made it through both Denver and Seattle with no trouble. 

The agent was uninterested in the wine opener.  Instead she asked to scan my bag again.  I pointed out that I knew I had a wine opener.  She insisted that it wasn't that that was causing the scanner to go off.  No, they wanted to see my change.  I had a bunch of quarters in my purse from needing quarters for parking meters.  I had forgotten to take the coins out of my bag.  Seemed so surprising that they would stop me and question me about that.

We left security and walked through the airport.  Large.  Shopping.  A few bars and a group of people performing.  I liked it and felt comfortable.  We had a beer each before heading to the plane.  Next stop, Bangkok.  We arrived at 10:55 pm.  Since we had no checked bags we made our way out of customs and arranged a taxi.  The whole process was painless.  I achieved another passport stamp (yea) and entered Thailand.  Our hotel was in the Sukhumvit area which suggested good restaurants if you avoided certain streets as they had sketchy massage parlors and characters.  Shari found us a hotel that seemed to be in a good area.  Of course, the hotel was not what they said completely on line.  A little misleading but lesson learned. 

The next morning we chose to see where we were staying. This was on the way to a massage we were hoping to find.  I think it is gorgeous.  We attempted to find a place suggested in the book only to get frustrated by the heat and not being able to find it.  It was considerably warmer than I thought it would be.  Instead of continuing to search for the suggested place we returned to a spot we had seen along the way.  Receiving a thai massage was perfect.  Clean facility, good therapist and refreshing tea to serve us afterwards.  From here we took a tuk tuk to check out the canals.  Seemed like a good idea at the time and a way to see more of Bangkok.

That evening we tried to find a restaurant that would be in walking distance from the hotel. A friend of a friend suggested a few other areas where we could find great food.  Indian, Korean, street food.  I wanted to see what one street was like and this guy said we would find great Korean on it.  We walked to the street only to feel a bad vibe.  I was no longer interested in finding a restaurant after walking along and seeing all of the women and men.  That is all I am going to say.  Use your imagination.

We walked back to the hotel area and settled on a steakhouse.  This was geared towards a western tourist for sure.  We sampled comfort food and it was delicious, if not too rich.  We skipped the steak and opted for sides.  Early night as we had to repack and figure out the taxi ride to the airport.  There is a train that we could use as an option depending on when we left. 

The first morning in Bangkok, we dined at the hotel for breakfast thinking it was included in our rate.  It wasn't and it was geared towards the western tourist.  Bacon, eggs, pastries, some cereal and the majority of guests were English speakers.  Since we knew that we didn't love it we walked to find street food for breakfast.  There was a stall with rice, beef, chilis and hot sauce.  We stumbled through the process pointing at bags and saying yes, we want this.  We sat down and realized our mistake.  We should have given the woman our plate instead of asking for a bag of rice.  It was big, shareable and delicious.  Preferable to the breakfast we at the previous day.  As we sat there a few others joined us and one man poured us water from a cooler.  He knew that we needed water.  We accepted graciously and yes, the water helped.  Those thai chilis are hot.  Afterwards, Shari commented that we were doing everything that you are not supposed to be doing.  And, I concurred.  I was afraid that I would be experiencing stomach issues in the foreseeable future.  I hoped for the best and than had memories of my return from Honduras and Cuba.  Bad experiences that is all I am going to say after dining.

The massage place we found was delightful.  We had an oil massage/facial combination spanning two hours.  We had just enough time to return to the hotel, check out, and hire a taxi.  We paid 260 baht to leave the airport and were instructed that the return to the airport would be 500 baht.  Such a scam and one of those situations where we had to endure it.  Taking the train was no longer an option.  We needed to arrive at the airport, check into our flight and depart to Hanoi.

I turned my wine opener in at the airport.  They advised me that I would not be able to get it out of Hanoi.  I figured they were right.  We started and ended with a beer.  I will update my time in Vietnam in a bit.

today in Hoi An and other updates about where I am at....

Vietnam!  It's been lovely.  I didn't really know what to expect outside of epic food.  Everyone had something to suggest, recommend, you must....still we did not make any plans outside of flying in and out of Bangkok.  I knew a friend who had visited Hanoi and had a homestay contact there.  Outside of that, it was an open schedule.
Initially, I wanted to be ambitious and tour a large part of the country.  Hue, Paradise Cave, China Beach, Ho Chi Minh, the Mekong Delta before heading to either Cambodia and Laos.  After considering how we would get around these places, we minimized our ambitions and focused on what truly was important to us.  Food.  Spending the 28th in a food mecca and seeing whatever else was possible.  I was determined to make it to Laos and Cambodia.  Cambodia was a no brainer with Siem Reap inviting us to tour.  And, Laos would be lovely.  Plus four stamps this trip in my passport which I wanted to achieve.  We had three weeks to see whatever we wanted.
The issue then became about how to get around the countries.  Save money but not time by trying bus, boat or train.  The latter two are safe and suggested.  Every chapter in the guidebook includes these forms of transportation with clear instructions on how to get around.  I thought I could manage one long bus trip.  Maybe nine hours.
Truly, I have little desire to travel by bus, boat or train.  It's time consuming.  I wasn't concerned about not paying for a hotel in favor of a 27 hour bus trip.  Figure that bus trip is cramped, long and without a shower--no thanks.  Thankfully, Shari is likeminded and we opted to fly between destinations.  We did take a bus from Hanoi to Halong Bay.  Supposedly a three and a half hour trip which turned into four and a half hours.  We hit this village, both directions, where traffic was insane and there was no one to direct it.  I have never in my life experienced traffic like Hanoi.  There are bikes, scooters, cars, people, and trucks all fighting to exist together.  They do.  You just go and have confidence that you won't get hit.  It's challenging when you arrive.  We did get used to it to some degree.
Our flight to the central country was pleasant.  After arriving and touring Hoi An, we extended our stay by an additional night.  Fantastic food, great massage and a safe location all enticed us.  We have done seven massages in 8 days.  It's been fantastic.  I hope to arrange another massage this evening.
Last night, we were walking around Old Town and bar hopping.  We finally sat down to write out post cards.  I had many many to write (still do).  Yet, I did write a huge chunk of them.  Later, we were checking out other restaurants and stumbled upon an outdoor café.  Our server was friendly, enough, and attentive.  I asked him if he could recommend a banh mi place and he returned with part of his sandwich.  This was the start of a beautiful friendship. 
An hour later, he asked us if we were interested in taking a tour with him tomorrow.  He suggested Marble Mountains or My Son.  He would pick us up at 9 and we would accompany him, on scooter, to the temples.  He promised us a banh mi and coffee to start.  How could we pass this opportunity up?  Best decision ever.  We walked around My Son before stopping to check out a cemetery where his grandmother was buried.  A little morbid perhaps but fitting for us and our trip.  We watched him light a bundle of incense to place on her grave.  They also had flowers, a platter for offerings and tomorrow, they will add a photo and her information.  They wait a year before attending to this process.
Lunch was seafood driven in a spot where we were the only tourists.  Men sat around, drinking coffee and b.s.ing.  We had a few beers and talked about life in Vietnam and life in the States.  Best tour ever. 
Tonight, we will return to a café so that I can eat more smoked eggplant.  There are a few spots with wine and I might write a few more postcards.  From here, we have ten days to tour more of southeast Asia.  Laos, then Cambodia before returning to Bangkok.  I should have been updating this and writing my observations of life here.  It's been wonderful and a lot to see still.
Cheers!

thoughts on tuesday

Another day.  Another adjustment.  Each day I get better and my black eye dissolves.  Still it is a task and although I am improving it is not the same as going to get an adjustment just to get adjusted.  It takes effort.  I see Thai massage in my future while visiting southeast Asia.  And yoga.  Even if it is me leading a sequence to myself and Shari.  I believe that will happen soon.
I started to pack and feel that I will be purchasing items while abroad.  I am unwilling to check a bag as is Shari.  We both feel certain that we would be able to pack ample clothing into one carry on bag for three weeks.  Shari and I are like-minded.  We can sustain on one pair of jeans, shoes, a dress and a couple tops.  I despise having to carry a large bag to accommodate my needs.  I am a moderate type of traveler.  I can always purchase stuff along the way.
I am recognizing that my shoes are an issue.  I have a pair of sneakers that will work.  That is about it.  I have a pair of used sandals that gave me shin splints while in Key West.  I have a pair of chaco's that are okay but super ugly.  And, I want to say that I have gotten blisters from them while they have been in my care.  Moreover, there is a pair of crazy expensive sandals that broke six months after purchase.  I tried to wear them again.  I am unwilling to throw them out.  Yet, I know that it is a moot effort.  My right foot was in such pain after wearing these shoes that I had to tape my feet to retain structure.  I know that these shoes are not an option.  I will take the sneakers, the chaco's and possibly the shin splint driven shoes.  I can always get rid of them while traveling.
Tomorrow, I will meet the Goddess for coffee, attend a yoga class followed by nidra to heal and eventually dinner with my friend, Andy.  He contacted me the other day and mentioned wanting to catch up before I head out of the country.  Thankfully, Andy is a foodie and not afraid to spend money on an experience.  We have a few ideas of where we want to dine.  I think downtown will be the destination.
I see more passport photos in my future and a stop by the bank.  To enter Cambodia and Laos, we need an additional photo for the visa application.  I will be sporting a black eye due to the car accident.  I had hoped to avoid calling more attention to my eye but seems like more photos will be in my future. 
I will see sara Jo and the goddess before I take off.  Seattle Jean is meeting Shari and I are the airport in Seattle for brunch and I will make dinner for the warrior prince.  He's always ensuring that I am properly fed. It's the least I can do.
I am excited for the trip and a little nervous.  That flight to Seoul is going to be long and arduous.  And, I am unable to take pills as they tend to have the adverse effect on me.  Instead of calming me down, my heart break speeds up.  Failing to calm.  I will charge my ipod and hope for the best.  WIne will be involved, too.  I definitely know that will occur while flying.
Enjoy the rest of your night.  I am off to pack, ponder and reflect~

issues and thoughts

And I'm off...Saturday to Vietnam.  Cannot wait.  I have a list of things that I must do before leaving the country.  Compile a list of addresses to send postcards, photocopy my passport, communicate with Jean since I have a layover in Seattle both directions and would be able to see her (hopefully), update my phone coverage, visit some friends and restaurants in my departure tour.  Yes, I can be morose. I have had this feeling accompany me when I went sky diving, left the country for six months, visited the country south of Key West, etc.  It's like I want to revisit all of the great spots to ensure that I have lived a full life.  I don't know. It's how I have always been. 
My yoga pass expires on the 18th.  Perfect timing.  I can return from my trip and make a decision as to where I would like to attend classes. As previously noted, I am not in love with the yoga here.  There are many studios and they offer aspects that I enjoy.  If only they could all come together into one space offering challenging classes, compassionate instructors, a welcoming attitude.  The music, in general, is terrible.  I attended a handful of classes that I would consider passable in that realm.  Overall, I do not think that will improve.  It is either acoustic, folk, yoga inspired (not what I want to listen to ever) or shitty music.  I think I might be returning to ashtanga where no music is involved.  It is a spiritual, physical work out that I like. I know that I have strengthened my practice from attending this class.
I have an appointment to see my massage therapist today as well as a light yoga class.  I think it is labeled healing yoga.  My focus has been more of this type of inspiration from my accident last Sunday.  My body is still out of sorts/alignment and I am frustrated. I do not enjoy feeling achy, sick, tired, uninspired.  Then my aunt's car was stolen from her job last week.  It has been a challenging week of loss and trying to understand why things happen.  I am fortunate that I keep in contact with previous mechanics.  Immediately, I contacted the guys in Denver to update them on my circumstances and see if they had any vehicles available for sale.  And, I contacted my guy in Santa Fe to see if he could help me with the estimate that I would receive for what Veronica was worth.  Kurt has always been approachable and kind.  I felt confident with his assessment and understood that he had spent more time with my car in the last year.  He does have a vehicle for sale that I am interested in .  All this means is that I will be visiting Santa Fe again and soon.  Another dip at Ojo, see friends (hopefully) and purchase a new car. 
I am okay and recognize that I will be fine.  Travel always puts things in perspective.  I should find my neck rest and my passport holder.  Fun day of tearing about my boxes to ensure peaceful travel to southeast Asia.  Thankfully, I will see some friends this week before my departure.  It's all the process that I feel comfortable with and helps me be accountable.  I am weird, maybe.  Makes sense to me at any rate.
More healing, kind thoughts and peaceful vibes.  Happy Monday!

endless, mindless chatter

Well, it's starting.  I think, I am more in my head this February.  A constant conversation of doubt, fear, irritability, restlessness, trying to be positive, dreaming of travel, seeing friends, family, etc.  It is a nonstop cycle.
Yoga did provide a brief reprieve this morning.  The instructor is confident and commanding.  I do enjoy his sequencing and look forward to spending my Saturday morning with him.  I think some clarity was established while I flowed through the postures.  I might stop by my aunt's house this afternoon which will also help.  She asks the right questions and I always leave enlightened.
And there were a few days in Santa Fe. It has returned to being my oasis as opposed to home. It was challenging, for me, to live there.  I am a city girl and missed having proximity to a big city.  I spent a couple days there and rejuvenated.  It was lovely.  Really lovely.  Clear blue skies, massive amounts of stars, great food and seeing friends. 
I had a great time.  Exactly what I was looking for.  A reminder that I am on the correct path and a way to reset.  Refocus my priorities and clear some of the endless chatter.  Part of it, I believe, is the time of year.  Always questionable what will occur for me.  Then, I have been unsettled and living in someone else's space.  This man has been extremely kind, patient, generous.  I realize, more today, that he has been the most patient with me.  My charm can be a bit much at times.  He might even refer to me as crazy as most men do find women crazy.  I call it my charm.  Thankfully, he has been patient and unwilling to engage me with the stream of chatter. 
Lately, yes, I have been having a difficult time.  I feel restless.  Like I should be working or productive.  I have not been too stressed out in terms of finding a job since I am heading to Vietnam in two weeks.  It's hard to find a job and then leave for three weeks.  I know this and my friends have been supportive of my decisions.  Encouraging, even.  That being said, I am critical of the fact that I am not being productive.  I have been conditioned that work is inherent in my life.  To continue my livelihood and do what I enjoy.  Talk about creating chatter.
I am sure that I am not the only person that has ever experienced something like this or similar.  I need to get out of my own way and remember that everything is going to work out fine.  I am where I want to be.  I chose to return home and I knew there would be some time before I became serious about what I should be doing.  I only need to relax, breathe and smile.  I am a fortunate girl.  I have the opportunity to attend yoga on a daily basis at noon or before as well as hike on sunny days.  Or there was that little trip to Santa Fe, mid week, which lit a fire in me.  Some other customers asked me if I was planning on moving back.  That was kind and Santa Fe will forever be an oasis for me.  I have much gratitude for that. 
I mentioned to my friend that I was irritable today and that I wanted to apologize for it.  I can feel how irritated I am.  Energetically, it is icky.  When I am restless, I tend to want to run away.  Santa Fe helped.  It really did.  And, Vietnam is in two weeks.  I know that will also provide the opportunity to relax, reflect, let go.  I am where I am supposed to be.

more thoughts

Welcome back February.  Always an interesting month.  For the last ten years at least.  I really don't know what to expect.  I have been in a funk, melancholy, bitter, expectant and this time, hoping to focus on my trip.  It's been ten years since Brian died.  Or, it will be on the 28th.  The worst year, of course, was when it happened.  Then there was the time in Chile when I couldn't stop the headache.  I was in an extreme funk.  No wine or celebration.  My ipod was stolen in Valparaiso.  I got bed bugs in Santiago and had little desire to explore more of the country.  I was unmotivated to do much of anything.
On a side note, tomorrow, I will head south to Santa Fe to spend a few days with friends before refocusing on the Vietnam adventure.  I have a friend that is relocating to Hawaii and want to see her and meet her daughter before she departs.  Then, there is the Ojo want.  I have other friends that planned on spending Thursday there.  Since they invited me, it's all I have been thinking about.  I wanted to make it happen but didn't think I could.  The snow will not prevent this trip!
As I get closer to departure, I am becoming more interested in the sights in Vietnam.  I know that I need to print out my Visa application, verify that my phone will work and find my camera.  I think Shari has an adaptor that we both will use.  I must find my ipod.  When I flew to Key West, I forgot my ipod and thought I could handle the four hour flight without music.  I was wrong.  It was a painful experience.  I managed to sleep a little, not enough. 
Ten years later...what have I learned?  That February always presents challenges.  That grief became so ingrained in my life that I actually had a shoulder injury when I returned to Denver.  It came about over a few days and then overwhelmed me.  I was unable to do yoga for about a week and no amount of massage or bodywork could alleviate the pain that I had.  It felt as if my shoulder was dead.  Just hung there.  I went to a yoga therapist who also practices reiki.  From her, I discovered that it was actually my heart that needed to open.  With time, I was able to release some of that grief.  Although it had been a constant companion in my life.  Always there safeguarding me.  Ensuring that I wasn't too vulnerable.
I know there is a difference in how I feel now.  A lot of it was coming back to Denver and all of the memories of my life with Brian.  All of the associations and people that we knew together.  Immediately, I encountered a lot of that.  Continuing to breathe helped release some of the hurt and instead focus on the joy associated with that time in my life.  I am back and it is different.  Not necessarily great, just different. 
My friend, Lindsay, had her baby boy this morning.  Came quick.  I spoke to her last night and she sounded fine.  Apparently, she went into labor at 2 am and had a c section at 8:30.  Quickly, Finn entered the world.  I think I will try to visit them this weekend.  I know that Lindsay has a ton of family and friends that will be with her the next few days. 
So we will see how February unveils itself.  Celebrating the birth of my running partners baby, recognizing that my shoulder injury is gone and seeing how I travel.  Should be interesting at least.  Cheers to February~