current thoughts

Last night, I was making small talk with customers when this couple walked down the stairs. Immediately, I sensed this man's discomfort. He seemed agitated and since I was semi-trapped behind the bar, I couldn't approach them to find out what I could do to make it better. He looked at his wife and said--they don't have the game on.....
At this point, I interrupt this couple and ask what they would like to drink. The woman asks me if I can put the ASU game on and I agree, too, once I find the correct station. I grab the remote and the guy keeps saying--it's on Fox. I tell him that we had been watching the baseball game which was on fox. He is furious that I don't have the game on. I find it on espn but they are broadcasting the end of another game. There is one minute left. Football minute that is. I ask the couple what they would like to drink and the guy turns to his wife and says--they don't have the game on.
Insane. He would miss the first few moments of the football game. Few minutes. The other people that watched the interaction felt he was irrational too. It wasn't just me being mean. Then, I considered what is currently going on in my life. My dad would give anything to have another clear, loving moment, with his wife. He would love to take her home and lavish her with whatever she wanted. Instead, he is watching her try to let go of life.
I made some comment about being embaressed for the woman and how I would hate to be in a relationship like that. Pure misery.
For the most part, last night, was extremely pleasant. Steady flow of interesting conversation. And, I reached out to someone from my past that I hadn't spoken to in months. My way of offering the olive branch was sending a birthday card. I thought he would text or e-mail and let me know that he had received it. He didn't. Casually, I asked a few people that I know are close to him. They seemed surprised that he had not responded and indicated that he probably didn't get it. I couldn't remember if I sent it to the right address. In hindsight, I believed that I had gotten the numbers misplaced. I had rushed to send the card and in my hurry, could not remember if I wrote the correct address.
Yet, he did receive the card. He said he felt bad for not telling me thank you and mentioned that he would treat me to wine next time I was in the area. Thankful for that. We can move beyond our differences and continue, I think.
Perhaps, I am emotional due to the nature of my last week. It prompted me to think about my own life--dealing with losing Brian, the people that helped me while I was grieving and what this now will mean to my dad. Being upset about a game that started two minutes ago seems so minute in the whole scheme of things. It is laughable. To rush off, spike your blood pressure and for what---missing two minutes of a game? How to deal with the things you cannot control? Illness, death, etc?
Today, I will take a deep breath and breathe when challenged. I will smile and give gratitude for being right here, right now. I will pray for peace for my stepmom and send love to my dad and sisters that are still physically there for my dad offering support. I will not be negative about things that truly do not matter outside of a moment of time.
And, I will dream of a wine date with old friends. Happy Sunday~

Photo memory of 2010

Ahhhh...two of my favorite people and things--Lindsay, Sara Jo and the food factor. A year ago we met to discuss our upcoming trip to Sonoma. We had signed up for a half marathon and wanted to secure accomodations while touring wine country. With a little bit of creativity and contact friendly people, we made it work. I wanted to toast our success and so we had lunch at Capital Grille. Champagne, wine, oysters and macaroni and cheese. I have always been a fan of oysters until I spent a week in the hospital. Talk about having a whole new meaning to that word. One of the patients near my stepmom's room was having respiratory issues. The sounds emitting from that room, well, unpleasant to say the least. My dad coined the term oysters....

Regardless, this is a photo that makes me smile and remember a wonderful day last September. I think we met on a Monday. Lindsay and Sara returned to their respective days off while I loitered downtown with my friend, Maghan. We had the loca hot martinis and toured a few other establishments downtown.

It all segwayed into the birthday month. This year I am going with the flow of where the road seems to lead me. I had not anticipated a trip to Missouri or a potential jaunt to sin city. Yes, I might make that happen. I want to do something nice for myself, too.

Shari is visiting me and I believe we will head to Sedona or Jerome. I want to enjoy some of this state's beauty. I will want to document photo memories to return to in the years to come.

Enjoy your Saturday. I am smiling~

I flew home to see the family. I drove to KC and made peace with where I was at. Translation, I took over the sustenance factor. I considered what my contribution would be. I am good with the food factor, clean factor and griefing process. Yes, this is where I excel.
So, I arrive and follow Jasmin to the hospital. We arrive and mentally, I think, of how I can make things easier. I fall back on what I know. Still, we need to stock up on supplies and so my sisters make me go to wally world--yuck! We peruse food and beverages. Jade picks up the tab and I tell her that I will make sure that everything is flush. I don't want to put her out. We return to my dad's house and make dinner. Actually, prior to that, while parked in wally world, Jade leaves the rental car and sees a used diaper. Left in the parking lot. Yuck! Seriously...who does that? It was disgusting.
The next day while parked at a grocery store, I notice a woman in the car parked next to us. I wonder how Jade doesn't see it but whatever. I point it out and see a baby kitty in the back seat. I realize that the woman is homeless living in the car.
Weird. Thursday, we stop at Kohl's and all i can think is.....where is the used diaper, homeless person, or dirty couple? I mean, really, what else did we need to see while touring the midwest? That parking lot was clean, ironically. It ended well.
In hindsight, I wish we would have had another story to tell. At least it would have made my dad laugh. In addition, the entire well-preserved comment lingered the entire week. Too funny! I am glad to have been able to provide humor to the last week. We all needed it....

things happen

It's been a whirlwind of a week. September always seems to fly by. I suppose since the focus, for me, is at the end of the month when I turn a year wiser.
Typically, I celebrate my birthday in a large fashion. Other holidays pale in comparison to how much I enjoy this particular celebration. I think it is because I do exactly what I want. I can be selfish and justify it with, well, it is my birthday....
This year is a little different since a few unexpected things occurred. First off, Veronica (my beloved Volvo) broke down. The customary tune-up turned into a huge cost. A point where some of my friends told me I should consider purchasing a newer vehicle and putting her down to rest. I have faith in my car and I know she has spirit. Plus, I figure I don't have a car payment and if I continue to pay attention to the maintenance, diligently, she will continue to thrive. I paid the balance of the work--new radiator, alternator belts, tune-up and a few other adjustments and felt a pinch. Still, I felt okay with having the work done.
Then, Sunday, my dad called me. This seems to be our thing. He calls me on Sundays to see how my week went, and how my upcoming week will look. I listened to the voice message and could tell something was up. I returned his call and he told me that his wife, Dori, was in the hospital and had been, since the previous Monday.
He asked me if I had talked to Jade and I said, no, sometimes it's hard to get ahold of Jade. He said, well, can you text her?
At this point, I knew it was serious. Jade is an oncology nurse and my dad has been a little more forthcoming with Dori's situation since Jade understands the terminology and what to expect. Dori has been fighting liver cancer for the last year.
I text my niece since she responds to texts. Jade isn't a big phone person. Mackenzie immediately responded that she would tell Jade to call grandpa.
Jade called me and told me that we needed to book a flight immediately to Kansas. That it couldn't wait nor should we. From this point, I was on the phone with my dad, Jade or Michaela, while a friend of mine shopped flights and rental cars for me.
I am here for my dad and Dori. There is nowhere else that I want to be. Of course, I feel like dead weight when it comes to sitting in the hospital. It definitely is not my forte. I am finding that I am equipped to provide emotional support and sustenance. They have let me cook while we are at my dad's house and I take pleasure in that. That is my contribution, small, while we wait to find out how to make Dori as comfortable as possible.
Yes, things happen. Things out of our control--my car seems so small compared to what is currently happening to my dad and stepmom. I remember how I felt after Brian died and I would not wish that on anyone.
Sometimes people ask--which do you think is better....immediate death or lingering dying? In the past I have always felt that the immediate death was harder--that is what my experience was with. Honestly, I would have given anything, any amount of money, my soul, what have you to have one more day with Brian. One moment. A kiss. Hug. Being able to look at him and say, I love you one more time. I felt robbed the way it happened.
However, watching my dad, now, well, in no way is this easy. You have time but there is so much pain. Plus, there are decisions to be made--hospice, all of the social security things, insurance, etc...the list goes on and overwhelms all the while, the person you most love is dying. It is heartbreaking.
This year continues to challenge, surprise and remind me to be compassionate and supportive of my friends and family. I am thankful to be able to do it, too. So grateful to be here for my dad.
It is a different way to celebrate. I will definitely find carrot cake at some point in the near future....

Entitled....

Today started off in a wonderful way. I woke up and was cold, still. Slept with the windows open and enjoyed a leisurely morning. I made plans to do laundry, watch the finale of Entourage and visit my favorite Akita's, Dozer and Jax.
So far, so good. Enjoyed the finale and was able to thoroughly clean out coffee mug. I have been more green in terms of carrying my own carry out mug but not so great about cleaning it. I drove through a drive thru today and was embaressed by the condition of my green travel mug. It was stained with the remnants of coffee. Unpleasant smelling to say the least.
I stop by the local farmer's market to purchase greens, salsa, and a few other necessary items. I really love being able to shop at a local market. I pull into my alley to discover somebody parked in my parking space. It is a repeat offender, as last Friday, I noticed the same car in my spot. I had asked my neighbors who share the car port with me if they knew whose car it was, then, too. Today, I received the same response--no, we don't know the car. I tell them that I am going to tow it. I mean, this is ridiculous. There is a sign saying--tenant parking only and so obviously, this spot is not available to random people.
I put a note on the windshield and walk over to the church on the corner. I consider walking in to see if any of them had mistakenly parked in my spot when I notice they have a considerable parking lot and wouldn't need to park off site. As I am walking back to my house, I see a car pull up and hesitate. I cross the street and approach this kid. I said--is this your car?
Yes.
Well, you are parked in a spot that doesn't belong to you. He goes, I'm sorry.
He walked straight to his car and didn't look up. I continued with--if you do it again, I will have it towed.
He got in his car, backed up and took off.
I think I am most annoyed with his entitlement. Yes, I know that parking is scarce around here due, in large, to the fact that it is by a university. Choosing to drive around campus limits parking options. It was the same way at KU. So, I took the bus or walked to campus. Not once did I illegally take someone else's spot. And, he wasn't sorry. Only, that he got caught.
What he doesn't know is that I took his license plate down and will absolutely have his car towed if he parks in my spot again. You just don't do that. I chose this rental for that purpose--it came with a designated covered parking spot. I shouldn't have to fight to use it.
I arranged to go running later to let off some more steam. Yes, I am that annoyed....

Monday Memory

This is me and Sara Jo. A year ago, tomorrow, we planned a venture to Coors Field. First, though, we stopped by our favorite tap house and ended up enjoying our time there way too much. I think we arrived at the ball game in the bottom of the 4th. Begrudgingly, I will admit. I would have preferred remaining where we were.

Still, I had taken seats from the company. We had to go since they were located next to some of my co-workers. Since I was elated at spending time with Sara, we snuck off an inning later. I was hungry and we were enjoying ourselves. I didn't feel like watching the ball game or heading to another bar with either of them. Not that it wouldn't have been great....it would have. They are both fun people. That night, though, I wanted to hang out with Sara.

I texted another foodie friend and discovered that he was at a new local eatery. This photo was taken there. Good times, great night, enjoyable wine/conversation.

I know that I have been blessed. I have fantastic people in my life and am surrounded by endless possibilities to improve my surroundings. Yes, life is truly grand.

Lately, it seems I am reflective and I want to share some of the insights. Probably just for me but, it is necesary. I am fortunate.

Enjoy your night as I am enjoying mine. Thankful for friends, for wine, and of course, photos~

Well preserved

Yesterday, I met an old friend for lunch. I noticed on facebook that we were in the same area and so I approached him about a reconnect type of wine lunch. Josh and I attended grade school together. I believe he transfered to my grade school in 4th grade. We attended the same junior high and graduated from high school. In college, he had a friend that lived in my building and we had a few dinners together. That, too, was a random reconnect. Pre-facebook, internet craze, social media. I really do not even remember how that happened outside of running into him in the building somewhere.
I have always enjoyed his company is what I am saying. When I noticed that we would have the opportunity to catch up, I took it. I texted him to let him know that I had arrived and found a seat at the bar. He responded that, he, too, had just arrived and would see me shortly. A few seconds later, he retexted--uh oh?
At which point, I said--what? And, I knew, what had happened. He went to the other location. He called me to say that he would be there within ten minutes and I perused the wine list. I chose a lovely merlot/cab franc blend. Earthy, funky, and perfect for me.
Josh arrived and we caught each other, respectively, up on what had been going on the last few years. He had lived in Nebraska, Texas and most recently, California. He told me about his sister, mom, other family. He asked about Roxy (my mom). Funny to hear someone refer to her that way. He said--well, I have always remembered her name. We discussed similart interests, hopes, dreams and of course, gossipped about others from our class. This is a natural occurrence I would like to think. I discovered that he enjoys hiking and look forward to checking out hikes in the area. Also, he loves food and so I will have another person to check out restaurants with. At least for the next six months. He will be relocating to Seattle then--I think.
Eventually, he says, I don't know how to say this without it sounding bad, but, you are really well-preserved. Do you know what I mean?
I point to my glass of wine and say, yes, I drink a ton of wine and water. I have a healthy lifestyle, I think, for the most part.
Well-preserved.
It is funny. Makes me think I belong in a petri dish or science project. The definition of the word is what makes it sound so clinical.
Today, I walked to continue my healthy lifestyle and I suppose, the continued state of well-preservation. Too funny.
Now, I can honestly say that I have been described as well preserved. That is a new one, for me.