fond memory

I think this is my favorite photo of my dad and Dori.  Pure bliss and happiness.  I have no idea where it occurred, the time frame or anything outside of how happy they both look.
I spoke to my dad earlier today about her tribute video and what it meant to me.  It took me awhile to view it.  My dad and I do not see eye to eye on faith.  I had a feeling that it would be a little much for me to watch due to the music.  Finally, I overlooked my fears of catholicism and watched the video.  Lovely tribute to my stepmom.  Several photos from her childhood, early adult and then her life with my dad.  They traveled, every year, to destination unknown.  Sometimes to see the grandkids and other siblings and other times, for them.  I am thankful that my dad has numerous photos from their adventures.
I saw a few photos of me, included--one from their wedding day ( I wore a red shirt, who does that?), a nice one from the race for the cure, 2009, with  my dad and Dori.  I wish they would have included the one with my aunt Bryn, too, since she walked the race with Dori, while, I chatted up my dad.  I continued watching the flick and thought, I wonder, if they included a picture of Brian.
And, there it was...a picture of me standing between Dori and Brian from Denver, 2003.  It broke me.  I lost it.  Sad for sure.  It reminded me of a beautiful day spent in Denver.  The newness of our relationship, the blending of families and great coffee.  I believe we found a delightful shop so that I could satisfy my need for caffeine. 
I think he listened but wasn't hearing my thoughts.  It seemed like it's hitting him...the loss.  Routines help, of course, but there is solitude where your mind wanders to sadness, melancholy and loss.  Moments where you feel like a wave smacked you and you react in the best way you know how.  For me, that meant crying or looking at photos of my life with Brian. 
Tonight, I celebrate my dad's life with this incredible woman.  She made him extremely happy.  Cheers~

How I spend my Sunday

Walk around area  day number two...found the preferred street to frequent.  Quiet, beautiful and a nice thoroughfare.  Untouched, as of yet, of grafitti or street walkers.  Clean.  It has a bike lane and mostly filled with cyclists.  Sunday is the ideal day for a ride.  Several people were out enjoying the beautiful day.
I walked up to a marketplace and made use of a birthday gift.  This has definitely been my year of bra is all I am saying.  Hail to the secret.  Managed to pick up perfume mister in addition to a few other necessary items.  I am finding my ideal scent.  In all honesty, heavenly, has always been a favorite.  Branching out some, 2011.  Gotta say--I love gift cards!
Afterwards, hungry, I considered my options.  Return to rental and make a salad. Only that did not sound that appeasing.  I wanted a sandwich and a glass of wine.  That sounded divine.  Attempting to talk myself out of it--the wine factor--I thought of what else could work.  Biking up to Whole Foods and having a custom sandwich which could work or there were a few other eateries that did not have wine.  Really, as you can see, I was trying to be "good".  I envisioned hummus or pitas and knew of a spot but that required more walking.  At this point, I wanted convenience...oh, and wine.
I walked into the eatery that I knew had half price wine during the day.  Yep, that sold me.  Wine wins another Sunday.  Ironically, knew the bartender, too.  I sat there and he goes, you know, I remember you.  I visited Denver in 2005 to attend a football game, being a colts fan, and you waited on me....what?  All I could think was... was it a good experience?  I didn't ask that since I know that it was.  I mean, come on, if he mentioned it, obviously, I made a good impression.
We chatted about Denver, somewhat, and other associations we shared. He knows my friend, Kat, and lives near where I work.  I ordered a turkey, brie and fig sandwich--delightful and enjoyed a few glasses of wine.  Perfect way to spend a Sunday.
I made a to do list and thought about my life.  Eventually, another person sat at the bar.  However he was on his phone.  Annoying and unpleasant.  (Pet peeve #3, behind,  clipping toe nails in public or licking fingers while eating hot wings or any other type of greasy food..yuck)!  I overheard him say sous chef and another local spot that I knew the owner.  So, being me, and nosy, I ask him if he worked there and he goes--no, I work at Kona.  Funny.  I know a few people that work there, too.
This guy is moving to Spain to seek a new life.  Good for him!  I think it is awesome.  He made some left field comment about always being able to rely on working in a kitchen like it was a maintenance job.  I interjected--I love chefs.  I love food.  You are fortunate to be skilled in that department. 
Sure, I am confident in the kitchen but getting a position in a kitchen is definitely out of my wheel house.  I was little offended that he played it off like it meant nothing.  Come on, you work with food!  Exciting~
I wished him luck with his future endeavors.  Spain is fantastic from what i hear and I was off.  Off to siesta and eventually do another walkabout.  Salad for dinner.  I love it!

I've still....got it.....sort of

I skipped my a.m. run yesterday and practiced yoga.  This helped clear my mind; and yes, I felt peaceful.  Yoga has multiple benefits.
Anyways, since I missed my mandatory long run, I decided to walk to work.  I figured it would be six to seven miles.  Piece of cake and there was always the option of jumping on the light rail as a back up plan.  The light rail ends about a mile and a half from work and so I would be able to extend my mileage on the end of the route.  I begin, armed with a 32 ounce bottle of water, a change of clothes (thank god) and my ipod. 
The initial part of the walk is lovely as it is near the campus and there are many other people walking around.  Great energy/vibe of other pedestrians, cyclists and kids on skate boards.  The weather, well, a little warmer than I had anticipated.  Still, I was enjoying it.  I saw sorority girls struggling to wear heels or wedges across campus.  There was a car wash on the corner with scantily clad coeds advertising their service.  Seriously, the could use a little less exposure is all I am saying. 
I continue and about a half mile later the vibe changes.  Definitely not as many college kids and suddenly it feels a little ominous.  I remember having those exact same feelings, years ago, when I walked around this area of town.  It's been cleaned up (tremendously) with the addition of the light rail.  It had to be.  They knocked down some of the RV Parks and hotels that were filled with transients and junkies.  On the surface, yes, it appears to be cleaner.  Yet, it feels dirty if that makes sense.
As I continue east, I encounter less and less college students and more single men walking.  I begin to notice that I am getting more attention.  This one guy in a truck pulls up next to me and asks if I need a ride.  I ignore him and he continues driving through the parking lot parallel to me and waits to see if I respond.  I don't.  I continue walking.
The honking starts and that is when I know I still have it.  Or, that they think I am a "professional".  You know, the street kind.  I see a few of those ladies too.  I am left alone outside of being stared at from vehicles, RV parks and side walks.  I didn't feel threatened.  I made it to work unscathed with a bump for the ego.  Several cars noticed me is all I am saying.
About an hour in, I locate a Walgreen's and choose to enter the store.  The water was not doing it.  I needed a gatorade.  It tasted divine.  At this point I was in a "safer" part of the east valley.  It no longer felt ominous or eerie.  It felt mormon and it was.  I saw some uniformed kids on bikes hoping to convert people and a garage sale on a random corner.  This guy waited til I passed him and then started talking to me.  He said, wow, hot day.  I continued walking and he did offer me a water since I looked hot.  I declined since I already had gatorade.
I walk into work and head directly to the walk in cooler.  I stand in there a few minutes and consider what items I have with me to aid me in the cooler down factor.  Grateful for the top and bra that I remembered to bring.  I change, splash water on my face and then notice the salt on my face.  Yes, it was hot and I had lost some electrolytes.  Salty.  Reminded me that I had skipped my mandatory run.
I wish I had a shower, too.  Cold water and fresh clothes helped, but I still felt warm.  I dreamed of my shower for the rest of the night.
I was retelling my adventure through the hood and mentioning the catcall factor when a few customers said--do you have mace...you should really carry it.  You know you walked through an unsavory area.
My feelings are this--yes, it is unsavory and I walked during the day.  I didn't feel scared.  It was an adventure.  Granted, I had no interest in walking back to the light rail at night.  I arranged for one of my co-workers to drive me back to either the light rail or Tempe.  I am naive to a certain degree but unwilling to put myself at risk knowingly.  Walking at night seemed foolish.
The first thing I did when I got home was shower.  Glorious.  Wash away the salt build up and discovered the spots I had missed applying sunblock.  Awesome, I have a sunburn....guess I got that too.

Sleep did not improve.  Restless night of trying to sleep and losing the battle.  Hence, skipped run and opted for yoga.  I thought, maybe, this could calm my mind of all of its washing machine of thoughts.  Seriously, I feel like I am in a spin cycle the last 24 hours.  Positive things are occurring yet my subconscious wants to create doubt.  If I let it, I am sure that I can self-sabotage.  I am not going to, though.  Not this time.  I am in the exact place that I chose to be.  When I think about it in that light, I know I will overcome any of my own self-imposed negativity.
Not to mention, I am listening to pandora and LeAnne Womack's song, I hope you Dance is playing.  Lovely song and an association from my past.  Brian and I had decided to go to Honduras in 2005.  Since he was younger, he always struggled to save money.  Inherently, he was generous to all of his friends and unable to save for some of our trips.  Naturally, my wisdom tried to advise him to save cash for my impulsive need to travel.  For Christmas, that year, his parents gave us the book, i hope you dance and placed book marks through it.  There were eight book marks representing a letter.  We tried to figure out what it said--from the letters, I deducted--our hands.
Brian looked at it and said, no, it's Honduras.  Duh....we were going there.  Plus, they gave us some money to enjoy while in Honduras.  And, enjoy we did.  We flew into San Pedro Sula, spent the night and then took the bus to the coast.  Took a ferry (two hours too long) to Roatan and spent the next six days there learning how to scuba dive.  Originally,we thought we would spend three days on the island and then return to the mainland.  The resort dive changed everything.  We extended our island adventure which allowed us to dine at Los Arcos, three times.  Awesome argentinian eatery in Roatan.  We were certified to scube dive which led to a birthday adventure in Cozumel which is another story.
After the island, we spent a night in La Ceiba at an outdoor adventure camp.  They offered white water rafting or horse back riding.  We were interested in the accomodations and skipped the optional activities.  A german couple owned this little gem of a hotel.  I remember their rottweiler fondly.  He loitered on our patio for a few hours.  Beautiful dog.  Super friendly and I would imagine, loyal.  We found that place on a lark. Our first impulse was to stay at a green resort.  The rate was $250 a night and somehow, I had convinced Brian we should do it.  We took a cab to the resort only to discover that they were booked for the night.  They suggested this little treasure.  I think it was $8 a night and they provided  a wonderful family oriented meal that night. 
Glorious trip until we got food poisoning on our return to San Pedro Sula.  It seemed so innocent.  We ordered a pork sandwich and watched a League of Their Own.  The couple that owned the diner had lived in Miami and their young daughter spoke english, relatively speaking.  That night, well, I won't go into detail.  All, I will say, is that it was not fun.  I skipped pork, anything, for awhile, too.
Sometimes, I overanalyze things when they are simple.  Create difficulty for no reason.  I am in a great place in my life and the possibilities are endless.  Why self-doubt?  It's natural, I suppose.  Must breathe through it and accept that I am ready for the upcoming challenges.  I will get through the self-doubt.
Enjoy your morning.  Yes, the yoga did help...

Insomnia related to too much thinking

Insomnia.  Instead of tossing/turning another round, I decide to go on-line.  Not a solution for the insomnia as I find myself thinking more.  Nonstop analyzing.  Mind racing.  What is the deal? 
I suppose there is a lot going on in my life--car, work, travel, pursuing wine, wanting nonstop travel, food, running.  Not necesssarily in that order or even order of importance.  My car is problematic to a certain degree.  I am frustrated with the mechanics and the fact that I need to have this problem fixed.  I love my car and really it isn't that big of a deal.  It's just money.  That is what I need to remember.  Let it go and move on.
Running.  I went hiking on my birthday and twisted my ankle.  I did not recover the way I normally do.  Perhaps since I didn't baby my ankle like I had in the past.  I worked and then decided to ice it.  Foolish.  As a result, I have been gingerly walking on it the last few weeks.  Delaying the return to running, hoping, that my ankle will feel better.  I have stretched, iced, and increased the frequency of yoga.  Last Tuesday, I went running and it felt okay.  A little tight in the beginning but then I was able to enjoy the activity.  I think I will tape it to stabilize my ankle and run the 1/2 that I signed up for in November.  This half is going to be epic.  The Goddess is running it with me and it benefits breast cancer awareness.  That issue is close to my heart.  I am thankful to be able to run in honor of my stepmom, Dori.
My dad sent me a tribute that was shown at the service for her.  It was a nice photo array from her life.  I enjoyed seeing Dori as a child and most of the photos of her travels with my dad.  That is something that they definitely enjoyed.  I noticed several photos from their trips to Oregon and a few from Denver and Estes Park.  I don't know who chose the photos of me, but I was thankful for the one which illustrated our Race for the Cure in 2009.  My dad, Dori, Bryn and I walked together.  A beautiful memory for sure.
I continued watching and thought, I wonder if they included any photos of Brian in the arrangement.  The video continued and there he was with Dori and me in front of a coffee shop near the Platte River.  I remember, that day, fondly.  It was the first time my dad and Dori spent any time with me and Brian.  They visited us in Denver and we were trying to tour guide and show them a pleasant time.  When I saw the photo, my heart ached.  Maybe that is the reason behind the insomnia.  Sadness for loss.
I knew it would be difficult to watch and believe that is why I delayed it. There was a photo of Michaela, her whippet, Pete, and Dori on Michaela's red couch.  That photo made me chuckle, even now, I am smiling at that photo.  I guess I miss Pete, too.
I believe that everything will be fine and that soon, I will be able to sleep.  I have upcoming travel, more running, and always wine.  After making a few adjustments in my schedule, the next few days will be interesting.  No car which motivates me to be interesting.  Should I bike to work or take the light rail?  Cab?  Walk?  What is my best option?  I suppose I will figure it out at some point.
Til then, I hope to experience a night of pure sleep.  Sweet Dreams!

obviously, I love my car....

Hmmmm...emissions test....why is it so necessary?
As my plates approached expiration, I considered my options.  Get car tagged here or venture back to Denver and deal with the emissions test.  As much as I love Denver ( I do and feel it is always home to me), the thought of driving for that test left me cold.  Instead, I became an adult and got my test here.  Sitting through the procedure, I had a sense of foreboding.  I knew that I was going to fail this test.  Don't know how, but, knew it.  Yep.  Failed the evaporation part of it.  They kindly tell me that I need to have my car fixed, hand me a diagram and point to a list of available mechanics in the area. 
I have a mechanic.  It's a love/hate relationship I have decided.  They suck at communication and the second visit left me feeling like I should locate a new shop.  However, due to convenience, I dropped Veronica off, Wednesday.  I had prearranged an appointment--2 pm--knowing, it was likely they wouldn't figure out problem til Thursday a.m.
No call, all day, yesterday.  Finally, I call them as they are closing and leave a message.  I like knowing what is going on.  At 6, they call me back and say--we haven't determined the problem yet.  We will begin, again, first thing tomorrow morning.
I wait.  And wait.  Did I mention that I waited, all day, til 4:20 (irony here) to get a call.  They replaced a hose and retested the pressure.  Still unable to pressurize led to more testing.  Finally, they discover the problem located on top of my fuel tank.  Cheap parts, but the labor issue, well, that is the thing.  Of course, they need to order parts and maybe get them Monday.  Which means, I won't see my car this weekend or, at all, til next weekend.  I am so freaking annoyed.
I called my dad and he says--maybe it's time to get a new car....Other people have suggested this and I know it is an option. But, I am not there yet.  Yes, this sucks and I am angry, but even if I had a newer vehicle, I would still have to deal with the emissions issue.
Next time, I am seeking out other mechanics purely to find someone that knows how to communicate in a manner of which I am accustomed.  This wait around b.s. is over!  Why make appointments if they are not going to be honored?  Seriously, I could have avoided the $30 cab ride on Wednesday. 
I have a good life.  I have great support and ultimately, I am happy. I love my car, too.  I will stop ranting now...promise.
Enjoy your night!

future road trips

I see a trip to home in my near future.
Must make it happen.  Actually, I did make it happen.  Thought about it, envisioned, and presto, trip home to grab items is happening.  It entails a road trip and some bud lite--I think.  No, not for me, but for my gracious host.  The man that offered to pick up my belongings and bring them to my current rental.  This guy is a gem.  He likes Bud Lite...uncertain of how to break him of this habit.   Plan on giving him my stock after we drop off my belongings.  He can have all of the said beer.
Cannot wait to be home and see friends.  I am uncertain of when to meet up with my road trip factor.  I would love to have coffee with Sara Jo, see Jenn K, Goddess and others.  The trip will be short, sweet and to the point.  If only, I had more time.
It's not really my time line that I am concerned about either. It's the bud lite factor.  He is the tour guide and if he chooses to take off (immediately) what can I say?  It's his choice as he is the pilot of the trip.  I mean, I have friends (several) that I would love to see.  Coffee, wine, food.  Did I mention my fravorite eatery in Denver? 
Unfortunately, certain that my desire to eat well could color my friend's taste.  Yes, I am in love with food.  There are restaurants that I dream about.  However, this trip is quick and impulsive. Hoping to meet up with friends and enjoy the city.
It's happening.  Soon and then I will return to life in the valley.  It is right and felt right, in march.  Glad that I went down this path.
Of course, would love to spend three days in the metro area.  Food, wine, friends.  Still, think it's impulsive and about convenience.  Not pushing the envelope this time...