September 26

Tomorrow is Brian's golden birthday.
I should be out of town. Really. I understand that now. I opted to stay because of Gabe's wedding and to do something different this year.
I think that I have had difficult customers--two prior sessions--prime rib fat and $1.59 lady--to keep me focused on something outside of grief. It's like, keep it focused, don't lose it. I don't know how to not, though.
Last night this lady that I worked with suggested that I go see a therapist. She believes that I would benefit from it and said that she felt that I am as upset as I was two and a half years ago. There is no statute of limitations on grief. I don't know if it goes away or when it does. Especially anniversaries, holidays, birthdays. I feel that if I weren't upset, there would be something wrong with me.
I feel writing and traveling both have helped me heal. Writing to me, has been therapeutic and beneficial. When I was traveling, I had a creative outlet. Now, I complain about customers and feel negative and in a rut. It doesn't have to be like this and I know it. I don't want to be either.
I go through periods of time where I question my purpose in life. I think everyone does. Right now, I am trying to decide my next destination and or direction in life. I am fortunate to have the life I do. I know that. I was blessed to cross paths with Brian and to love him. Thank you for listening to my rants of reality and grief. I don't know how else to breathe.
I will be celebrating tomorrow with a luxorious massage, coffee first, followed by a night at a downtown hotel. I look forward to toasting Brian's golden year. Cheers to you!