Music, identities and more random thoughts.......

Music.
I love it. I can hear a song and think of the first time I heard it or what it inspires in me. Right now, I am listening to a CD compiled by my friend, Castello. We haven't spoken in awhile and I am sad for that, but she does make one heck of a CD. She has always been able to do it, though. Unfortunately, she never provides the playlist and so some of the songs remain unknown.
Nevertheless, this is a random cd and right now, I am listening to a Mazzy Star song. Fade into Me, was my older sister, Michaela's, wedding song. I am transported back to 1997, in college, trying to find me. I was working at a restaurant and hoping to remain independent/self-sufficient. I had met a boy who lived in Miami and I was enamored with him. I visited him, once, and thought I would be relocating to Miami. Funny, how you really get to know someone on a weeklong visit.
Alternative music always takes me back to college--the freedom of choice, people and finding yourself. I was in such a hurry to get out of Kansas and out of my hometown that I think I missed most of high school. I was focused on saving money so that I could escape to a new place. I do not regret it. I am happy that I left Kansas and am now in Colorado.
Bob Marley and Dr. Hook were Brian. He would pick me up, in the early days, and always be listening to Bob Marley. It got to the point that I wanted to smash the cd, but then someone stole his stereo and so that took care of itself.
Now, when I hear Bob Marley, I smile and reflect on so many memories of my life with him. It can overwhelm me, at times, since there are so many and all of them are mine. I get sad, though, because I realize how I am missing out without him physically in my life. I know that he is here, but it is different.
I suppose cuban music and caribbean also remind me of him and of our trips. Somehow he knew that I loved latin music and he bought me a cd for my birthday the first year we spent together. Every year after that, I would purchase a cd for him and we would listen to it, while dreaming of our next adventure--be it Honduras, Costa Rica or Mexico.
I continue to read the books on Oprah's list and they all are dealing with searching for an identity or depressing to some extent. I feel that it is natural to question your identity as you continue to change/adapt/grow. Right now, I am a friend, an aunt, a sister, daughter, and probably a crack head to some. I mean, that in the sense that I am unconventional and loving it. I am free in my life and alone, too. But, I choose to be and make myself a priority. I think that it is why kids are not a factor, for me, right now. I know that some of my friends, with kids, cannot understand that or even support it. I have one friend in particular, who I know does not understand the importance of making yourself a priority. But, she'll learn in her own time, as she, too, is searching for her identity.
Enjoy the sunshine, the music and the search for who you are.