Wow, it can be challenging to turn off the subconscious mind. Last night was a doozy. I woke up at 12:30 and struggled to calm my mind until I finally forced myself up at 5:55. I had an early yoga session that I refused to sleep though again. Typically, I am an early riser and have little issue with waking up. Last Friday that was not happening. I woke up 15 minutes after our scheduled session. I didn't beat myself up too much. This had been the third attempt at that particular session that kept getting pushed to another day due to migraines, children's schedules, etc. Sometimes, your body needs a break!
That being said, I did manage to get up. I reflected on what I was struggling with...am I doing the right thing? Should I continue to grind, hustle--is it worth it? Would it be easier to return to working for other people? What should I be doing more of? Am I annoying people?
It was this nonstop stream. I would wake, flip to my other side, and try to relax. I think I attempted to count sheep which did not work.
It reminded me of some of my past decisions. Especially in college. I had the opportunity to complete a thorough synopsis of an issue to Latin America that I was interested in. I had a year to complete my thesis and it would be an honor. We met once a week to discuss ideas and how our progress was coming along. Early on, I knew that I wasn't too vested in it. I found reasons to skip the session with the intention of making it up. I barely completed the task and at the end of it, the instructor was disappointed in my lack of effort. It was easier to fail then succeed. I remember feeling that way back then. I wasn't too broke up by it since I hadn't planned on going to graduate school. It was a lesson.
I see myself trying to repeat it. Subconsciously I see doubts creeping in and it's hard to smother them. It is hard to not acknowledge them. I know that I want to continue on this path. That I am learning a ton of new skills that I never thought I would enjoy. I actually don't mind putting together flyers, newsletters or other graphics. The admin aspect is something that I am still not loving. I am trying to embrace that aspect and improve. All of the financials are something that I tend to avoid, too. I think it is due to the fact of how I raised. With a limiting or negative idea about money. I see that my parents did the best with what they knew. Still, being told money doesn't grow on trees is hard to get past or consider an abundant lifestyle. Or always being told pay things in cash or do not buy things you cannot afford is limiting. I think I would be more comfortable had I had a better relationship with money when I was younger.
I want to journal more. Hence, returning to blogging. I have never been as disconnected with a situation than I feel right now. I have support and friends who continue to encourage and assist me. Still, sometimes, that is not enough. There is still that doubt. The dreams. The indecision.
It would be much easier to fail. I now see how important finding your WHY is...because, truly, it would be fantastic to return to the comfort of what is known. That does not aid me in doing my own thing. I must work past my own limiting beliefs and choose to succeed this time. Not take the easier path and disappoint not only myself, but others.
Sorry for all of the reflection. I needed to get it out, somewhere. Out of my head and reflect. I hope you have a wonderful day. It is a gorgeous day in Denver!
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