Wednesday, December 10, 2014

being kind to family members

I worked on Monday night.  Initially, it seemed like it was going to be a lost cause.  Not a ton of reservations and so my mind had already wandered into the what am I doing here zone?  Around 5:15, two ladies walk in and sit at the bar.  From their appearance and after watching their mannerisms, I realized this was a mother and daughter.  The older woman was beautiful as was her daughter.  I had seen the daughter around town.  I initially thought at yoga but it wasn't that.  No, I had seen her at the restaurant with parents of one of my friends.
At any rate, two other ladies arrive and they are old friends.  One of them, I knew, from waiting on her at earlier times.  Thankful for the distraction of the random conversations.  Eventually, the four ladies attempt to make friends with each other.  They express where they are from, how long they have lived in Santa Fe, and what they are doing now.  I stood back and was thankful for their ability to converse amongst themselves.  The older gals departed and the mom and daughter remained.  My friend joined me at the bar and I poured her a drink.  Her cousin committed suicide after Thanksgiving and she had attended the memorial service earlier that day.  It had been an emotional day for her and I think, having to work that night, exhausted her.  The mom/daughter also had attended the funeral and had made comments about it and how suicide is so difficult.  I silently agreed, knowing, that my friend at the bar was a cousin to the guy.  Eventually, my friend opened up about her cousin and I listened to the family history.  Sometimes it's best to listen and not offer words of encouragement, sympathy or wisdom.  I mean, every person has a story or experience with death.  I poured the ladies some more wine and that was my mistake.  They were enjoying themselves and I get like this, too.  I don't want the night to end and so I tell myself that I should have a splash of wine.  However, I was unprepared for the way the daughter spoke to her mom.  I think the mix of wine, talking about death, family, etc....inspired them to discuss their past.  Why they moved to Santa Fe.  The mom had one idea of what it was like for her eldest daughter and the daughter was adamant that her mom did not remember it correctly.  She basically told her mom to eff herself and off.  The mother started to cry and went to the bathroom.  Awkwardly, I sat there and waited to see what would happen next.  The girl asked if I would check on her mom.  I went into the bathroom and found this broken woman, crying, and I tried to comfort her.  I have a difficult relationship with mom at times.  It is tenuous and there is a lot of hurt, at times.  Still, I have never told me mom to eff off or speak to her in such a hateful manner.  That was the shocking part.
I returned and explained that the mom was upset and that I had encouraged her to come back to the bar.  I went back a second time to try to repair some of the damage that had been inflicted on her.  Of course, I knew that it was blown out of proportion due to the wine, holidays, family hurt.  The daughter seemed so surprised that the mom was upset.  Finally, they left and my friend and I remarked on how mean the girl was to her mom.  It was really awful.  Made me thankful that I have refrained from being such a cee you next Tuesday to my mom, dad, or sister.  Seriously there is no reason to be that mean or hateful.  Aren't we supposed to be thankful during the holidays?  Well, for me, everyday?
I am off to yoga to practice gratitude and find zen.  Cheers!

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