Tuesday, February 16, 2016

thoughts on tuesday

Another day.  Another adjustment.  Each day I get better and my black eye dissolves.  Still it is a task and although I am improving it is not the same as going to get an adjustment just to get adjusted.  It takes effort.  I see Thai massage in my future while visiting southeast Asia.  And yoga.  Even if it is me leading a sequence to myself and Shari.  I believe that will happen soon.
I started to pack and feel that I will be purchasing items while abroad.  I am unwilling to check a bag as is Shari.  We both feel certain that we would be able to pack ample clothing into one carry on bag for three weeks.  Shari and I are like-minded.  We can sustain on one pair of jeans, shoes, a dress and a couple tops.  I despise having to carry a large bag to accommodate my needs.  I am a moderate type of traveler.  I can always purchase stuff along the way.
I am recognizing that my shoes are an issue.  I have a pair of sneakers that will work.  That is about it.  I have a pair of used sandals that gave me shin splints while in Key West.  I have a pair of chaco's that are okay but super ugly.  And, I want to say that I have gotten blisters from them while they have been in my care.  Moreover, there is a pair of crazy expensive sandals that broke six months after purchase.  I tried to wear them again.  I am unwilling to throw them out.  Yet, I know that it is a moot effort.  My right foot was in such pain after wearing these shoes that I had to tape my feet to retain structure.  I know that these shoes are not an option.  I will take the sneakers, the chaco's and possibly the shin splint driven shoes.  I can always get rid of them while traveling.
Tomorrow, I will meet the Goddess for coffee, attend a yoga class followed by nidra to heal and eventually dinner with my friend, Andy.  He contacted me the other day and mentioned wanting to catch up before I head out of the country.  Thankfully, Andy is a foodie and not afraid to spend money on an experience.  We have a few ideas of where we want to dine.  I think downtown will be the destination.
I see more passport photos in my future and a stop by the bank.  To enter Cambodia and Laos, we need an additional photo for the visa application.  I will be sporting a black eye due to the car accident.  I had hoped to avoid calling more attention to my eye but seems like more photos will be in my future. 
I will see sara Jo and the goddess before I take off.  Seattle Jean is meeting Shari and I are the airport in Seattle for brunch and I will make dinner for the warrior prince.  He's always ensuring that I am properly fed. It's the least I can do.
I am excited for the trip and a little nervous.  That flight to Seoul is going to be long and arduous.  And, I am unable to take pills as they tend to have the adverse effect on me.  Instead of calming me down, my heart break speeds up.  Failing to calm.  I will charge my ipod and hope for the best.  WIne will be involved, too.  I definitely know that will occur while flying.
Enjoy the rest of your night.  I am off to pack, ponder and reflect~

Monday, February 15, 2016

issues and thoughts

And I'm off...Saturday to Vietnam.  Cannot wait.  I have a list of things that I must do before leaving the country.  Compile a list of addresses to send postcards, photocopy my passport, communicate with Jean since I have a layover in Seattle both directions and would be able to see her (hopefully), update my phone coverage, visit some friends and restaurants in my departure tour.  Yes, I can be morose. I have had this feeling accompany me when I went sky diving, left the country for six months, visited the country south of Key West, etc.  It's like I want to revisit all of the great spots to ensure that I have lived a full life.  I don't know. It's how I have always been. 
My yoga pass expires on the 18th.  Perfect timing.  I can return from my trip and make a decision as to where I would like to attend classes. As previously noted, I am not in love with the yoga here.  There are many studios and they offer aspects that I enjoy.  If only they could all come together into one space offering challenging classes, compassionate instructors, a welcoming attitude.  The music, in general, is terrible.  I attended a handful of classes that I would consider passable in that realm.  Overall, I do not think that will improve.  It is either acoustic, folk, yoga inspired (not what I want to listen to ever) or shitty music.  I think I might be returning to ashtanga where no music is involved.  It is a spiritual, physical work out that I like. I know that I have strengthened my practice from attending this class.
I have an appointment to see my massage therapist today as well as a light yoga class.  I think it is labeled healing yoga.  My focus has been more of this type of inspiration from my accident last Sunday.  My body is still out of sorts/alignment and I am frustrated. I do not enjoy feeling achy, sick, tired, uninspired.  Then my aunt's car was stolen from her job last week.  It has been a challenging week of loss and trying to understand why things happen.  I am fortunate that I keep in contact with previous mechanics.  Immediately, I contacted the guys in Denver to update them on my circumstances and see if they had any vehicles available for sale.  And, I contacted my guy in Santa Fe to see if he could help me with the estimate that I would receive for what Veronica was worth.  Kurt has always been approachable and kind.  I felt confident with his assessment and understood that he had spent more time with my car in the last year.  He does have a vehicle for sale that I am interested in .  All this means is that I will be visiting Santa Fe again and soon.  Another dip at Ojo, see friends (hopefully) and purchase a new car. 
I am okay and recognize that I will be fine.  Travel always puts things in perspective.  I should find my neck rest and my passport holder.  Fun day of tearing about my boxes to ensure peaceful travel to southeast Asia.  Thankfully, I will see some friends this week before my departure.  It's all the process that I feel comfortable with and helps me be accountable.  I am weird, maybe.  Makes sense to me at any rate.
More healing, kind thoughts and peaceful vibes.  Happy Monday!

Saturday, February 6, 2016

endless, mindless chatter

Well, it's starting.  I think, I am more in my head this February.  A constant conversation of doubt, fear, irritability, restlessness, trying to be positive, dreaming of travel, seeing friends, family, etc.  It is a nonstop cycle.
Yoga did provide a brief reprieve this morning.  The instructor is confident and commanding.  I do enjoy his sequencing and look forward to spending my Saturday morning with him.  I think some clarity was established while I flowed through the postures.  I might stop by my aunt's house this afternoon which will also help.  She asks the right questions and I always leave enlightened.
And there were a few days in Santa Fe. It has returned to being my oasis as opposed to home. It was challenging, for me, to live there.  I am a city girl and missed having proximity to a big city.  I spent a couple days there and rejuvenated.  It was lovely.  Really lovely.  Clear blue skies, massive amounts of stars, great food and seeing friends. 
I had a great time.  Exactly what I was looking for.  A reminder that I am on the correct path and a way to reset.  Refocus my priorities and clear some of the endless chatter.  Part of it, I believe, is the time of year.  Always questionable what will occur for me.  Then, I have been unsettled and living in someone else's space.  This man has been extremely kind, patient, generous.  I realize, more today, that he has been the most patient with me.  My charm can be a bit much at times.  He might even refer to me as crazy as most men do find women crazy.  I call it my charm.  Thankfully, he has been patient and unwilling to engage me with the stream of chatter. 
Lately, yes, I have been having a difficult time.  I feel restless.  Like I should be working or productive.  I have not been too stressed out in terms of finding a job since I am heading to Vietnam in two weeks.  It's hard to find a job and then leave for three weeks.  I know this and my friends have been supportive of my decisions.  Encouraging, even.  That being said, I am critical of the fact that I am not being productive.  I have been conditioned that work is inherent in my life.  To continue my livelihood and do what I enjoy.  Talk about creating chatter.
I am sure that I am not the only person that has ever experienced something like this or similar.  I need to get out of my own way and remember that everything is going to work out fine.  I am where I want to be.  I chose to return home and I knew there would be some time before I became serious about what I should be doing.  I only need to relax, breathe and smile.  I am a fortunate girl.  I have the opportunity to attend yoga on a daily basis at noon or before as well as hike on sunny days.  Or there was that little trip to Santa Fe, mid week, which lit a fire in me.  Some other customers asked me if I was planning on moving back.  That was kind and Santa Fe will forever be an oasis for me.  I have much gratitude for that. 
I mentioned to my friend that I was irritable today and that I wanted to apologize for it.  I can feel how irritated I am.  Energetically, it is icky.  When I am restless, I tend to want to run away.  Santa Fe helped.  It really did.  And, Vietnam is in two weeks.  I know that will also provide the opportunity to relax, reflect, let go.  I am where I am supposed to be.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

more thoughts

Welcome back February.  Always an interesting month.  For the last ten years at least.  I really don't know what to expect.  I have been in a funk, melancholy, bitter, expectant and this time, hoping to focus on my trip.  It's been ten years since Brian died.  Or, it will be on the 28th.  The worst year, of course, was when it happened.  Then there was the time in Chile when I couldn't stop the headache.  I was in an extreme funk.  No wine or celebration.  My ipod was stolen in Valparaiso.  I got bed bugs in Santiago and had little desire to explore more of the country.  I was unmotivated to do much of anything.
On a side note, tomorrow, I will head south to Santa Fe to spend a few days with friends before refocusing on the Vietnam adventure.  I have a friend that is relocating to Hawaii and want to see her and meet her daughter before she departs.  Then, there is the Ojo want.  I have other friends that planned on spending Thursday there.  Since they invited me, it's all I have been thinking about.  I wanted to make it happen but didn't think I could.  The snow will not prevent this trip!
As I get closer to departure, I am becoming more interested in the sights in Vietnam.  I know that I need to print out my Visa application, verify that my phone will work and find my camera.  I think Shari has an adaptor that we both will use.  I must find my ipod.  When I flew to Key West, I forgot my ipod and thought I could handle the four hour flight without music.  I was wrong.  It was a painful experience.  I managed to sleep a little, not enough. 
Ten years later...what have I learned?  That February always presents challenges.  That grief became so ingrained in my life that I actually had a shoulder injury when I returned to Denver.  It came about over a few days and then overwhelmed me.  I was unable to do yoga for about a week and no amount of massage or bodywork could alleviate the pain that I had.  It felt as if my shoulder was dead.  Just hung there.  I went to a yoga therapist who also practices reiki.  From her, I discovered that it was actually my heart that needed to open.  With time, I was able to release some of that grief.  Although it had been a constant companion in my life.  Always there safeguarding me.  Ensuring that I wasn't too vulnerable.
I know there is a difference in how I feel now.  A lot of it was coming back to Denver and all of the memories of my life with Brian.  All of the associations and people that we knew together.  Immediately, I encountered a lot of that.  Continuing to breathe helped release some of the hurt and instead focus on the joy associated with that time in my life.  I am back and it is different.  Not necessarily great, just different. 
My friend, Lindsay, had her baby boy this morning.  Came quick.  I spoke to her last night and she sounded fine.  Apparently, she went into labor at 2 am and had a c section at 8:30.  Quickly, Finn entered the world.  I think I will try to visit them this weekend.  I know that Lindsay has a ton of family and friends that will be with her the next few days. 
So we will see how February unveils itself.  Celebrating the birth of my running partners baby, recognizing that my shoulder injury is gone and seeing how I travel.  Should be interesting at least.  Cheers to February~

Monday, February 1, 2016

Happy February

Snow Day.  The sky is pink and it keeps coming down.  Started out slow and has been consistent all day.  Only motivated to enjoy some vodka and binge watch friday night lights.  What a great show.  I have seen it before but it's been awhile.  It was either this or the wire.  I can completely get sucked into that show.  So good.  Perfect way to spend a snowy Monday.
I was a little productive.  Put together my resume, made grilled cheese sandwiches for the warrior prince and attended yoga.  Ironically, I didn't think yoga would happen.  I drove to the studio and the door was locked.  It is a satellite of the main location and so there is not a receptionist on site.  I waited in the snow and contemplated what to do.  Eventually, I opted to call and see if there were plans to hold the class due to the snow factor.  The girl I spoke to seemed unaware of the schedule.  I mentioned that I was locked out of the back entrance and she responded that I could walk to the front.  Sure, since that would make a huge difference as no one was at the studio. 
I thought about returning to the house and doing a sequence from ashtanga.  I didn't want to wake anyone up and so I waited.  The instructor showed up and I attended his class. People at the studio keep raving about this guy.  Yea, he speaks Sanskrit and the sequence was hard as we held postures for a  smidge too long.  Of course, he played the typical terrible yoga music.  As we held some of the warrior postures, I became frustrated.  Crappy music and I wanted more movement.  Still it was a nice class and I am thankful that I attended it.  I just needed to clear my head, a little.
Tomorrow, I am uncertain of which class to attend.  And, I am supposed to teach a small class to some friends.  Weather dependent of course.  I am excited to teach and see where it leads.  The space that my friend found is gorgeous.  Hardwood floors and mirrors. It's absolutely lovely.  If not tomorrow, then next week, for sure.  My friend already reached out to me to suggest canceling due to snow.  I love that she is a realist like me.
I have plans to go to Santa Fe on Wednesday.  This is also weather dependent.  I intend to drive down, see friends and rejuvenate.  I could use a little reset on my perspective and desires.  Travel remains center first and foremost.  Then productivity, work and cultivating friendships.  Vietnam is in 18 days.  Lots of time to reflect and choose what works for me.  And the time is going to fly.  I know that for a fact.  I can fill my days with yoga, reading and taking small steps towards what I want to achieve.  It will fly by.
Tonight is more reflection, gratitude and another reminder to find my voice.  There is always that.