Saturday, February 6, 2016

endless, mindless chatter

Well, it's starting.  I think, I am more in my head this February.  A constant conversation of doubt, fear, irritability, restlessness, trying to be positive, dreaming of travel, seeing friends, family, etc.  It is a nonstop cycle.
Yoga did provide a brief reprieve this morning.  The instructor is confident and commanding.  I do enjoy his sequencing and look forward to spending my Saturday morning with him.  I think some clarity was established while I flowed through the postures.  I might stop by my aunt's house this afternoon which will also help.  She asks the right questions and I always leave enlightened.
And there were a few days in Santa Fe. It has returned to being my oasis as opposed to home. It was challenging, for me, to live there.  I am a city girl and missed having proximity to a big city.  I spent a couple days there and rejuvenated.  It was lovely.  Really lovely.  Clear blue skies, massive amounts of stars, great food and seeing friends. 
I had a great time.  Exactly what I was looking for.  A reminder that I am on the correct path and a way to reset.  Refocus my priorities and clear some of the endless chatter.  Part of it, I believe, is the time of year.  Always questionable what will occur for me.  Then, I have been unsettled and living in someone else's space.  This man has been extremely kind, patient, generous.  I realize, more today, that he has been the most patient with me.  My charm can be a bit much at times.  He might even refer to me as crazy as most men do find women crazy.  I call it my charm.  Thankfully, he has been patient and unwilling to engage me with the stream of chatter. 
Lately, yes, I have been having a difficult time.  I feel restless.  Like I should be working or productive.  I have not been too stressed out in terms of finding a job since I am heading to Vietnam in two weeks.  It's hard to find a job and then leave for three weeks.  I know this and my friends have been supportive of my decisions.  Encouraging, even.  That being said, I am critical of the fact that I am not being productive.  I have been conditioned that work is inherent in my life.  To continue my livelihood and do what I enjoy.  Talk about creating chatter.
I am sure that I am not the only person that has ever experienced something like this or similar.  I need to get out of my own way and remember that everything is going to work out fine.  I am where I want to be.  I chose to return home and I knew there would be some time before I became serious about what I should be doing.  I only need to relax, breathe and smile.  I am a fortunate girl.  I have the opportunity to attend yoga on a daily basis at noon or before as well as hike on sunny days.  Or there was that little trip to Santa Fe, mid week, which lit a fire in me.  Some other customers asked me if I was planning on moving back.  That was kind and Santa Fe will forever be an oasis for me.  I have much gratitude for that. 
I mentioned to my friend that I was irritable today and that I wanted to apologize for it.  I can feel how irritated I am.  Energetically, it is icky.  When I am restless, I tend to want to run away.  Santa Fe helped.  It really did.  And, Vietnam is in two weeks.  I know that will also provide the opportunity to relax, reflect, let go.  I am where I am supposed to be.

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