Tuesday, February 2, 2016

more thoughts

Welcome back February.  Always an interesting month.  For the last ten years at least.  I really don't know what to expect.  I have been in a funk, melancholy, bitter, expectant and this time, hoping to focus on my trip.  It's been ten years since Brian died.  Or, it will be on the 28th.  The worst year, of course, was when it happened.  Then there was the time in Chile when I couldn't stop the headache.  I was in an extreme funk.  No wine or celebration.  My ipod was stolen in Valparaiso.  I got bed bugs in Santiago and had little desire to explore more of the country.  I was unmotivated to do much of anything.
On a side note, tomorrow, I will head south to Santa Fe to spend a few days with friends before refocusing on the Vietnam adventure.  I have a friend that is relocating to Hawaii and want to see her and meet her daughter before she departs.  Then, there is the Ojo want.  I have other friends that planned on spending Thursday there.  Since they invited me, it's all I have been thinking about.  I wanted to make it happen but didn't think I could.  The snow will not prevent this trip!
As I get closer to departure, I am becoming more interested in the sights in Vietnam.  I know that I need to print out my Visa application, verify that my phone will work and find my camera.  I think Shari has an adaptor that we both will use.  I must find my ipod.  When I flew to Key West, I forgot my ipod and thought I could handle the four hour flight without music.  I was wrong.  It was a painful experience.  I managed to sleep a little, not enough. 
Ten years later...what have I learned?  That February always presents challenges.  That grief became so ingrained in my life that I actually had a shoulder injury when I returned to Denver.  It came about over a few days and then overwhelmed me.  I was unable to do yoga for about a week and no amount of massage or bodywork could alleviate the pain that I had.  It felt as if my shoulder was dead.  Just hung there.  I went to a yoga therapist who also practices reiki.  From her, I discovered that it was actually my heart that needed to open.  With time, I was able to release some of that grief.  Although it had been a constant companion in my life.  Always there safeguarding me.  Ensuring that I wasn't too vulnerable.
I know there is a difference in how I feel now.  A lot of it was coming back to Denver and all of the memories of my life with Brian.  All of the associations and people that we knew together.  Immediately, I encountered a lot of that.  Continuing to breathe helped release some of the hurt and instead focus on the joy associated with that time in my life.  I am back and it is different.  Not necessarily great, just different. 
My friend, Lindsay, had her baby boy this morning.  Came quick.  I spoke to her last night and she sounded fine.  Apparently, she went into labor at 2 am and had a c section at 8:30.  Quickly, Finn entered the world.  I think I will try to visit them this weekend.  I know that Lindsay has a ton of family and friends that will be with her the next few days. 
So we will see how February unveils itself.  Celebrating the birth of my running partners baby, recognizing that my shoulder injury is gone and seeing how I travel.  Should be interesting at least.  Cheers to February~

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