I would like to believe that people change. Some do. Most don't.
Yesterday, I reached out to someone that has hurt me in a way that only few people are capable of. I had avoided contact--phone--for over two years based on an incident that occurred. It was extremely painful to get past. Still, I would send christmas, birthday and other appropriate cards to acknowledge this person's presence in my life.
I had talked to my sisters, friends, other family about it and how I felt that I couldn't allow the pattern to repeat. Basically, it goes like this--huge fight, no contact except for maybe hate mail from both sides, finally we must confront each other due to familial obligation and then she acts like nothing happened. Move forward, do not talk about what happened. Huge fight. Repeat cycle.
In the past, sure, we have done this. It seemed easier to live in this. However, as I get older, I realize that this is not the relationship that I want. I do not want to be guilted into anything or manipulated.
I had sent her a card with photos. Two years is a long time to not talk to someone that helped shape your thoughts, mold your belief system and teach you the beginnings of love. I sent her photos of me and two of my sisters. I knew that she hadn't seen the three of us together in some time due to the fact that it seems we only see each other once or twice a year.
She called me to thank me for the photos and left a message. While I am in Mexico, I turn my phone off and have no access until I return to The States. So, I missed her call until I returned.
I felt ready. I did. I miss her.
I called and she seemed relieved to hear my voice. Initially the conversation was pleasant but I could tell that she was not going to addess the incident from two years ago. Instead the focus would be on the photos and perhaps my current state in life. Eventually, she said--well, I really don't know what else to ask you.
At this point, I could have concluded the conversation. It would have enabled both of us to leave the conversation alone. The cycle would have continued.
In six months, something else would happen to halt our communication, again. I was unable to let it go. I said something along the lines of, I was hoping we could talk about the last time I saw you.
From there, the conversation became a colossal waste of time. I think I started seeing red, my blood was boiling. I became furious and sad. Really sad knowing that she won't change. She is what she is and I know this from experience. I should leave it at that.
What I am learning is that I cannot change her or have any expectations of what our relationship should be. Right now, we don't really have much of one. I love her and likewise. I just cannot continue with what she is offering. Glossing over some really awful words and not apologizing.
This is her.
I am letting it go. I must release the negativity in order to move forward. I tried. I did. I cannot change her. I can only accept that this is what it will continue to be.