Wednesday, June 29, 2016

what feels familiar

Why is it that it is always easier to fall back into the familiar?  Instead of growing from experiences people tend to return to what is comfortable.  Instead of moving forward in a relationship, we fall back into what we know.  Become nostalgic about things we have lost.  Be it previous relationships, old jobs, friends, childhood.  People romanticize the past and what it was.  I have done this.  Actually, I have been more willing to explore relationships with unavailable men.  Safer for me to not give my heart away.  I gripped my love of Brian and that relationship and refused to be open to anyone else.  In many ways, I am still in that holding pattern.  That was my defense mechanism and way to keep myself safe. 
I returned to Denver and faced some of the grief that had remained in my heart.  I had to.  I had pain between my shoulders that forced me to let go of the grief.  Denver represented Brian, our future and how I lost that when he died. 
It was home for me, too.  A place I had grown to feel comfortable in my own skin, to bask, to discover strengths.  I love it here.  I have wonderful friends.  A community, a support network, a life.  I want to be here.  And I want to move past what has been familiar to me.  I'm ready.
For others, that means, sleeping all day, subduing themselves with whiskey or weed, and basically falling into a cycle of uncleanliness.  I am being judgmental, I know.  It just doesn't make sense to me to go this route especially after being told that they feel depressed, unmotivated, uninspired.  So you continue to frequent your neighborhood bar to ease out of your depression?
Familiar to me, is the desire to travel and making it happen.  In the last week, I have booked three trips that span the next three months.  I am still considering foreign travel (always) and committing to work to ensure that this does, in fact, happen.  I have made some loose arrangements to see friends in the prospective cities.  I tend to overbook and overindulge with friends.  It is my way.  I try to squeeze as much into a three day venture as possible.  I bring people together to do more and sometimes it works.  Others, not so well.  From experience I know friends that mix well together.  I have learned to not force interactions amongst my friends.  Leads to frustration and a one upping contest which I never particularly enjoy or hope to participate in.  Leaves me cold actually. 
There will be yoga in Santa Fe and Phoenix.  Thrift store shopping in both of these places and the food factor overload in New Orleans.  I am trying to figure out where I want to dine to celebrate my birthday.  Too many options currently that I must narrow it down.  Of course, I will dine with friends in Santa Fe and Phoenix.  Silver coins, wine bars and friends. I cannot wait!
I return to sending notes to friends and waiting for responses.  A few of my friends play along. I have a loyal childhood friend that always communicates with me in this manner.  I am very thankful for Jennifer's friendship.  We both ended up in New Mexico for a bit of time where we reestablished our friendship.  I gifted her my excess wine glasses.  That is one thing I never seem to lack in.  I move often, purge my life of unwanted items and always have wine glasses.  There are possibly twelve to eighteen that I currently have in my possession now.  Maybe, one day, I will host a party where I use all of my glasses.  I have done this in the past.  I think it was 2007.  Sara Jo and I hosted an epic house warming party.  I thought it was epic.  I walked around with a bottle of wine in my hand and greeted friends.  My glass remained full.
I am ready to try new things and grow.  I have been on this road for some time.  I flirt with the idea of being my own boss.  I do hope to Segway into this.  Yoga helps me accomplish this to a certain degree. I want to teach more and plan on doing this with my friends. It is a priority to me. 
My day off brings another Barre class.  My latest obsession.  Such a great work out and continues to motivate me.  Slowly I am finding instructors that play appropriate music.  I am not into the club vibe in spin or cycle classes.  I really want hip hop.  Old school hip hop is the best in my opinion.  The girl who teaches today is a trainer and I know that I will feel the workout all day today.  She is great. 
Until later if I am inspired, I am off to enjoy my day off!  Push past your own limitations and thrive!

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