Monday, July 11, 2011

melancholy Sunday

Difficult day--yesterday, emotionally, that is. My step mom has cancer and it is getting worse. Six years ago, she battled breast cancer and went into remission. A year ago, she went in for a check up and discovered that cancer had returned to her body in her liver, a spot on the lungs and femur. Chemo has helped but it isn't getting any easier. I won't go into specifics of her case only to say that it is hard and I feel awful for my dad. It is heart breaking and so hard to hear him try to suppress his tears. Especially with me, it feels. Of course, I lost Brian and my dad knows that. He knows how much I cried and questioned why it happened and begged for one more day. Now, he is a similar situation where they want more time but at what cost? Is the chemo killing my step mom or bringing her some relief? It sucks. The entire situation. There is no answer. Either situation--immediate death or lingering is brutal. The only thing that is the same for both, is that it knocks the life out of the survivors. Your life stops as you question why it happened and how you will continue without your person. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
I offered to fly back if they need me. I don't know what that means for them though. Resignation that it isn't going to get better? I don't know. I know that my dad talked to my other sisters to let them know what is going on. From here, I talked to Michaela and Jade. Actually, Jade called me to suggest a group trip back to dad and Dori. I believe we should spread out the visits and be there for them when they need us. Of course, I want to see my sisters but this isn't the time. I don't want to create more work for dad. It really truly sucks.
I don't know what to do or what is right. I think the only thing we can do is listen and really listen to what he is saying. I just don't want either of them to hurt. There is still hope and I want them to hold onto that. Make a decision for them.
In a way, I wish I could escape for awhile. Be alone. Find tranquility and peace. There is Mexico near and I know my friend has today off. The beach invites. As enticing as that always sounds to me, I know that I must stay. I need to be able to fly back to the midwest when my dad calls.
I told Jan this over wine. Typical of me to want to hang out in a wine bar, reminisce about life and consider my options. Afterwards, we returned and I made dinner for all of us. Being Sunday, it felt right to stick to the routine. A little comfort to rely on something normal even if my life is changing. We had boboli pizza. One pepperoni and the other--my take on a margarita. Instead of traditional white, I created a chimichurri base and topped it with fresh basil, tomatoes, garlic and cheese, of course. It went over well. I think. And, I don't care if it didn't. I liked it. I made it and that is what counts.
Today, I will smile, complete tasks and run this evening. I can only live in the present and not project what I think I will be doing tomorrow or next week. I can only focus on my joy today. Mexico will continue to be there and I know my room is available whenever I want to venture down.

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