Yesterday, I was catching up on my correspondence via e-mail, blog and facebook. I needed to organize my thoughts since I had a brief departure from the internet.
Something caught my eye about a former childhood friend experiencing a loss. I read through some of the well wishes trying to figure out how her daughter died. There were many people that commented on facebook about how sorry they were and how they could only imagine what she was going through. Based on my own experience with loss, I continued to read her wall, hoping to discover what happened. I knew that I would reach out to her, but not by posting something on her wall. That isn't me or my way. I feel that loss is very personal and I don't know how she is feeling. My loss was traumatic, awful, extreme, but it was mine. I cannot explain to anyone how it felt to lose the love of my life. Why should I try to suggest to her that I understand her loss?
I will reach out to her the old-fashioned way with a card. I messaged her and requested having her address. She complied. When I have gathered my thoughts, I will send her a card.
Nevertheless, as I was considering these things, I finally figured out what happened. Her daughter was in a horrific car accident. There were four girls in the car when it flipped and she was the only casualty. I saw the photos of the car and am amazed that anyone survived. It was awful. I read the article online and noticed that people had commented about what happened. I was disgusted by some of the comments--why were these girls out at 4 am? Where were the parents? How was excessive speed not a factor?
On and on it went. All I could think was--someone died and it is awful! Why are people judging the situation that really they have no part of? Plus, I am sure that these thoughts are rampant in this mother's head. She doesn't need to explain or justify to anyone why or why not her daughter was out at 4 am.
I remember people trying to console me when Brian died and saying stupid things about what happened. Believe me, I was consumed by what happened and angry and in no way did I feel it necessary to discuss what happened with people. I was sad and missed Brian.
In that regard, I do understand loss. Loss, any loss, is awful. It robs you of time, love, life. Commenting on the situation is mean and unnecessary. Time stops for you while everyone else's life continues. I think I lived in a parallel reality for two years.
I feel very strongly about this. There are some things that you will never know your reaction until you go through it yourself. Judgments should not be made.