Saturday, May 9, 2009

Ice cream for dinner

I wanted chocolate.
I looked for a cookie or m&m's, but didn't feel inspired. As I walked through the grocery store, I found myself walking through the frozen foods aisle. I considered walking on, but felt rooted in the spot. I haven't bought ice cream since Brian passed. I was shocked at the assortment and sad that they no longer carry Starbuck's mocha chip or mud pie. I loved those and that is really what I wanted.
I bought peanut butter chocolate and it was heavenly. I thought about having a salad for supper, but then realized I just wanted the ice cream.
I felt like a little kid. My dad was a Schwann's man and so we had ice cream in our freezer, daily. Sometimes we had an amazing assortment of flavors. Other times, just vanilla bean in the tin.
Brian loved ice cream, too, and I sort of lost my desire for it when he passed. It didn't feel right to eat it without him. I know how that sounds, but coping/explaining/making sense of what happened created a new reality for me---one where I didn't eat ice cream. I would on anniversaries or birthdays, but sparingly, and it never felt the same.
Last night, it tasted amazing and I remembered how much I enjoyed it. I think, probably, that going to the store while I was hungry was foolish. I could have eaten a cookie and felt great. Oh well, the ice cream last night was fantastic and a rarity.

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